The what's are never ending

I want to get back to blogging.  I want an orgnized blog. I could potentially blog for a living. I would love that. As it is in today's society journalism is bekng molded. I love journalism.  Opinion pieces, hard news, soft newsm weather. I simply love it. So where do I start. What do I do. What do I write about. How do I figure out what to write about. How do I stay organized when I am scatter brained. Advice qanted. Direction wanted. Input needed.
What would you like to learn about?  We could totally take a jourmey together over the Internet,  but where to and what about. How do I keep you satisfied?  Eventually youd get tired of hearing about my beautiful boys lol :p
Input needed.

As my dreams shattered, God's grace was enough

 My name is Rachel Lawhon. I am currently 25, and a mother to two beautiful boys. My oldest son,James, was born on June 2nd 2011. He was six weeks early, and his birth was traumatic. Aside from the two week NICU stay, our experience at the hospital was terrifying. I have nightmares about it. I have a lot of guilt about it. I have a lot of regret, and I feel like we were robbed of what could have been a better birthing experience. I feel like as first time parents we blindly went to the hopsital and completely trusted too much. We did not do any research about medicine or procedure. I was not for or against a c section, because the most research I had done about our new life on the way was mostly about car seats and laundry detergent. James is now a very healthy large almost 3 year old.

   After James was home we never questioned anything, we just were happy to be home. After we got pregnant with Titus, I started having panic attacks. I was so terrified to back to the hospital. I started looking for other options. Should we go out of state was something that came up (by the way MO hospitals are so much, incredibly so , better than IL hospitals. We are now aware of this.) We were not sure what our options were with our insurance. I started looking into other things like home birth and midwives. My ob has a midwife in her office. Home birth was something we were not comfortable with so we went to a meeting at the birth and wellness center. I was immediately in love. I had been praying about it and talking to God about help because I would not have my baby in that scary place. My husband and I talked about it. Weighed the pros and cons. Pros being how peaceful, personal, loving, and respectful it was. The people who work at the birth center value the process of birthing as something God created. Cons were of course what IF something goes wrong. What IF we need medical intervention. The center assured us that they were very close to a VERY good hospital. We agreed. This was the place for us,

    Prenatal visits were something I looked forward to. Something  I was really excited about. I loved being at the center. I loved all the information we would get, the wonderful care, as well as the encouragement to educate ourselves on birth. My son James loved coming and felt right at home in the center. I loved the option that he could be there are the birth with us if we wanted.

    My water broke around 8 p.m. on Saturday November 9th 2013. We were at the birth center by 9 p.m. The contractions came on so strong and so close together we were sure I'd have this baby in my arms by midnight. Aside from the real pain of labor everything was going okay. At some point though I started feeling an odd sensation and pain on my left hip, and like something was really really wrong. Titus head was not dropping into the birth canal. We decided to go to the hospital. I think it was around 3 or 4 a.m. I'd like to make a point that the care we recieved at the birth center, regardless of the fact that Titus was born via c section, was amazing. If we could have more children I would want to go back to the birth center. The midwives came with me to the hospital. Helped me there. Talked me through what was happening and made sure I understood what was happening. They helped me feel like I had a say in what was happening as much as I could. With our oldest son, we had no say in anything at all. We had no idea what was going on. The nurses, drs, and midwives worked together to help us do what was best for Titus. 

   After trying and trying he just would not come.My labor stalled. Pitocin was given. I did not make it to 10cm. My cervix started swelling. Titus was not in the birth canal, and he was also O.P. Eventually we had to get a c section. The dr was really nice about it. He worked  with us to try to avoid a c section. He also was really nice about the midwives being there and talking everything over with me. I can not stress enough how much I appreciate that. It meant the world to us, that they were working together for us.

    The c section went well. Aside from me being so scared I was shaking and crying, it went just fine. My husband even got the dr to laugh when they pulled Titus out and he said to the room "Look, he has 6 toes!" He doesn't by the way, five toes per foot. After the c section it gets really blurry. I have a hard time remembering. I also feel like I fill in the gaps with information people like my husband, the nurses, the midwives, the dr ect have given me. I remember being really tired. I remember them putting Titus in the bed next to me. He was perfect. He was 9 pounds and 12 ounces. He smelled amazing. That new baby smell, that gets your hormones all happy. He was so soft.He was adorable. He had a long day too. I remember someone coming to get him. I don't know where they took him. I remember my husband had to run home because he had poison ivy and had left his medicine at home. We thought I'd be fine for an hour or two. I remember my sister in law came in with James to give me a kiss, I think before Titus was taken to the other room or nursery? I remember there were A LOT of nurses in and out of the room. Too many. It sounded like everyone was whispering. They kept asking me my name, and how old I was. When is your birthday?I was trying to understand why they were giving me blood. They kept pressing on my stomach. It hurt for a while, but after a while I did not feel much of anything. I remember it got really cold. I remember it got dark. It was like I was looking through tiny slits. I could not see the whole picture of what I was looking at. I could barely see the nurse next to me. I remember hearing my husbands voice. I remember hearing the dr ask my husbands permission to do a surgery. Something about how I was going to die if they did not do it. They needed permission though because it was against the hospitals policy as a religious hospital. I don't remember anything after my husband told the dr it was ok to do the surgery. I needed to live.

    I spent a couple days in the icu. I spent a few days in the rooms on the labor and delivery floor. I had 7 blood transfusions total. But my family is safe and healthy. It is sad that we can no longer have any children, but this is God's plan. If we are to have more, we will adopt. We do not regret going to the birth center. I know it was God's plan. The hospital we were taken to by the midwives was hands down the best hospital we have ever been to. While the whole experience was quite scary, we understand how rare it is.We are more than anything just grateful. We are thankful for the connections we made, the wonderful people we met, and the wonderful care we had at both the birth center and the hospital. A birth experience is very important. Ours has shaped our family in many ways, both good and bad. We were in the right spot though, God took care of us. 

   I think that if we can learn anything from our experience, it is that birth is important to the individuals involved. There is not a one shoe fits all scenario. I think that drs and midwives can work together well to make a family feel comfortable and heard during their birth experience, as well as in a safe environment that medical intervention is there if needed. 

 (I was asked to write my experience as well as I could remember for the birth center, for a bill. This is what i wrote)

It is hard to wrap my head and heart around it sometimes. Sometimes it really hurts. I am sad that regardless of the measure I took I was unable to have a normal birth. Both births of my boys were beyond difficult. We had four miscarriages. Creating life like my body was made to, what females are made to do, was never easy or natural for me :( it is sad and hard to understand. But I am trying very hard to be thankful. I am thankful that unlike Rachel from the Bible, I am still here. God's grace was more than enough. He let me live. I get to be a mother here on earth to my flesh and blood, and I will also be a mother to these boys and our other children in heaven. I am beyond words thankful for that.

I would like to add that, I have a very close friend that had a healthy beautiful unmedicated birth at the birth center. I am very happy for her! I am very for happy healthy natural births. Not everyone's body is broken. I do feel like mine is broken. I am now missing a uterus that never seemed to function :( But I by countless miracles, was able to carry two big strong healthy boys.

and by many more miracles, Tim and I will raise these boys to God's glory.

Layers and Layer

I think I am ready to start talking about Titus birth. It was traumatic, but I want to.
my flippin laptop is not working well with me when I type. So I probably wont start on it until this weekend when i can find the mouse. But I am going to do it :)
also we started cloth diapering and i would like to write that soon as well as amber teething necklaces. oh and baby wearing! not like you all did not know about this about me before but I am a tree huggin hippy. lol. or at least as much as we can afford. ill be getting into that too. FOOD.
so i guess my goal is to start blogging once a week. and to really get into some topics. some personal like our birth and breastfeeding, and some spiffy stuff like babywearing and cloth diapers. I really want to get my blog organized this year.
I definitely need to figure out to fix this stupid keyboard issues. i have to fix like every sentence because it jumps me around. it is so annoying and honestly the mail reason i have not blogged in a while. i am running low on marbles as it is lol.

I miss my blog

So busy with two beautiful boys.  But I miss blogging. I need to make a routine so I can work out then blog and stick to it! I also need to stick to reading my Bible wvery day. I have been praying more. Pray for me! I'M TRYING.  ♡♡♡

Need to catch up!

Holy goodness.  So behind! We had titus nov 10. James is getting big. Titus is 2m now! Lots of snow! Ill try to get back to blogging tonight

YIKES

Sorry I have not wrote in forever. Aside from comp problems, well I've been pretty busy!
Of course James keeps me on my toes, and to be honest it is really uncomfortable  sitting and typing lol.
Anyways Today I am 36 weeks pregnant with Titus. Thank Jesus! Everything is going well. He dropped on sunday, and we are praying to just make it to next wednesday or later.
We have to be full term \37wks to be able to have him in the birth center. WE are doing it all natural this time, water birth and everything. No hospitals. No trauma. My body is not unable to birth a child I don't give a crap about a dr schedule of 8 hours then pitocin ect. screw all that hellishness. Never again.
Thankfully all of our praying and asking God for help turned into us finding the birth center. We are really excited about it. I cant wait to post pictures and write about the experience :)
Oh and for those wondering about progesterone. Had it tested again in my third tri to see how it was doing, apparently it dips again in the third tri and causes tjhe water to break early. So far so good, it tested well :) just need it to stay healthy in the first to carry the baby. :) I'll try to write more later. My back hurts from sitting with the comp lol.

Crunchy

(On my phone sorry for typos)
So I am in the process of getting a woven wrap! :) to baby and toddler wear. It is a size 7 wrap woven and green :D
I am so excited.  I am also going to make wool dryer balls instead of using dryer sheets to cut back on energy and money. And I am thinming at 3-4 months I will start Titus in oth diapers ro save on money (and it is also good for the environment) we are going to plant a big garden next year too! And I am not cuttong may hair for two years :)
Having Titus natural at a birth center and gonna bf.
I am excited and thankful that I can be a stay at home mom and I am praying these small adjustments help us save money and live a healthier life. Greener life. I mean we might as well since I am home and we need to cut back and save ya know :)  I have the time and can put in the effort :)
Also james had his first appointment with early intervention.  He did really well. :) she told that next year in our district James can go to preschool (for free) and I don't see why we wouldn't it is half days through the week.
It absolutely makes me want to cry though to think in a year he can start preschool.  My baby. Preschool in a year. How fast this coming year will go with Titus here in three months and some change. Wow. :( so fast. But it is a blessing and God is so good. He really has been providing for and taking care of us.