Life is too precious

Life is so beautiful. It is so fragile. We take it for granted. That hurts me. Deeply.
    You can turn on the news any time of day and see murder left and right. No respect for life. Something so fragile  lost. At the drop of a hat. For what? Religion? Peace? Silence?A statement? Peace? None but love is a worthy cause. None but love. Love to save a life. Love to preserve a life. No one life is more significat than another, but I can see love as a just cause to lay down a life.
It is not a secret, but I have not talked a lot about it. I almost died. It is something I have to live with every day. It affects my every day. My husband has to dealwith ptsd.He almost lost me, and it damn near killed him. It very much hurt him, and now we have to over come anxiety every day. (Please pray or him)
I get extra emotional about stuff now. James started preschool. That is hard enough. Throw  in apanic attack , because I almost wasnt here to see it. Seriously. Titus birthdayis coming up, mine is comingup, christmas, anniversary. These things I almost did not see. Every day I have here is a gift.
Everyday is not easy. Sometimes with my husbands anxiety I feel like my life is a burden not a gift. Sometimes it hurts. You get your feelings hurt, and it hurts worse. It hurts worse, because that gift seems to wear off for others quickly.They forget the realness of it quickly. They forget what it was like. I dont.I cant. Every day i wake up I am like I a still here. I am so thankful. So thankful. I am learning that a lot of people dont know what itmeans to truly be thankful. They dont know what it means to really value life.
Ive lost family and friendsto suicide. It breaks my heart anyways. After quickly fading to hardly alive and bleeding nearly to death after having Titus, it now hurts more. Worse. Harder. All the time.  I wantso badly to just hand life back. We only get one.
I also have a hard time with it. My mother has attempted suicide more times than i can recall. She tried yeserday. I almost lost her. It is a slap in the face and no matter how many times she tries, always just as scary. Our  system for mental health in this country is a joke. I ave seen and experienced so much.It is a facct. Mental health in this country is not taken seriously.
I have friends and family trying and winning the battle of mental health. I have friends and family that lost it.
I am still here (my near death experience had nothing to do with mental health my body failed me during delivery of titus) bui am still here.  I am going to start a campaign. A charity. For mental health. Bipolar. Depression.anxiety.suicide. Our health is important. Your life is important. Dont let anyone make you feel like it isnt. Even on your darkest day, you are alive, and that is beautiful.

If I saw myself

.There are many days where I stare at my husband in awe. Days where I look at my boys and tear up. Because I love them. With every fiber of me, I love them.
Today my husband said dont stretch like that in front of me when the boy's are awake. I looked at him like what? Ew. Ew because of me. Because of my body. Because of my c section.  The baby weight.  12 lbs. 12 horrible nasty pounds, which really look like 20 on me.
I said ew because I dont understand how anyone could find me attractive.  Beautiful. I am bombarded with pictures of moms who "got it back" quickly after a baby. I was one of them after James.  But after 3 miscarried children and a traumatic birth, an emergency hysterectomy,  struggles with breastfeeding. .. I find that I dont recognize my body. I find that it is hard to find myself under all of that weight. My happy. My self confidence.  It seems to have really taken a beating.
And I feel awdul for it. I feel like I am telling my husband he is ridiculous for loving me. Finding me attractive l he is amazing and I know he wouldn't lie to me.
I feel like I am calling God a liar. He isn't capable of making something,  someone in his image that is not beautiful.  Awe inspiring.
It is going to take me a long time to let go of the self hate amd learn to self love, something I've never done well.
I'm sure you may be wondering what my husband said when I said ew. I also said why. How is this attractive as I held my stretch marked fat around my belly.
What he said made me cry and feel ashamed. Ashamed for only thinking about myself , seeing nothing about myself.
He told me that I am beautiful.  That he loves me. That he prayed for me. That I am the mother of his children.  I am his best friend. That he waits to come home to me. He said so much that I can't even remember it all. He said he loves my body because it carried his babies and grew them. He talked about God he talked about us he talked about them. All of this that he sees when he sees and thinks of me.
Nothing that I see or think of when I see me. He doesn't see 12 lbs of stubborn weight that is probably hormones that wont come off until titus weans. He doesn't see stretch marks.  He doesn't love handles. He sees the woman God gave him. An answer to his prayers. The mother and wife God allowed him to keep. The woman he fought for, the horrible girl driver that is his best friend.
I need to find her. I want to see her when I stand infront of the mirror. 
I can only hope and pray that God can mold me into the image he sees. That my boys and my husband have a mother and wife who loves them, and herself. I think that's important.  Society today just knocks us down. We beat ourselves up so much and then turn on a tv or read a magazine.  But I should be reading their faces, their voices, their body language, and my Bible. Because from that I'll find the truth. In them I will be able to see myself.  In loving them maybe I can learn to love myself.

The what's are never ending

I want to get back to blogging.  I want an orgnized blog. I could potentially blog for a living. I would love that. As it is in today's society journalism is bekng molded. I love journalism.  Opinion pieces, hard news, soft newsm weather. I simply love it. So where do I start. What do I do. What do I write about. How do I figure out what to write about. How do I stay organized when I am scatter brained. Advice qanted. Direction wanted. Input needed.
What would you like to learn about?  We could totally take a jourmey together over the Internet,  but where to and what about. How do I keep you satisfied?  Eventually youd get tired of hearing about my beautiful boys lol :p
Input needed.

As my dreams shattered, God's grace was enough

 My name is Rachel Lawhon. I am currently 25, and a mother to two beautiful boys. My oldest son,James, was born on June 2nd 2011. He was six weeks early, and his birth was traumatic. Aside from the two week NICU stay, our experience at the hospital was terrifying. I have nightmares about it. I have a lot of guilt about it. I have a lot of regret, and I feel like we were robbed of what could have been a better birthing experience. I feel like as first time parents we blindly went to the hopsital and completely trusted too much. We did not do any research about medicine or procedure. I was not for or against a c section, because the most research I had done about our new life on the way was mostly about car seats and laundry detergent. James is now a very healthy large almost 3 year old.

   After James was home we never questioned anything, we just were happy to be home. After we got pregnant with Titus, I started having panic attacks. I was so terrified to back to the hospital. I started looking for other options. Should we go out of state was something that came up (by the way MO hospitals are so much, incredibly so , better than IL hospitals. We are now aware of this.) We were not sure what our options were with our insurance. I started looking into other things like home birth and midwives. My ob has a midwife in her office. Home birth was something we were not comfortable with so we went to a meeting at the birth and wellness center. I was immediately in love. I had been praying about it and talking to God about help because I would not have my baby in that scary place. My husband and I talked about it. Weighed the pros and cons. Pros being how peaceful, personal, loving, and respectful it was. The people who work at the birth center value the process of birthing as something God created. Cons were of course what IF something goes wrong. What IF we need medical intervention. The center assured us that they were very close to a VERY good hospital. We agreed. This was the place for us,

    Prenatal visits were something I looked forward to. Something  I was really excited about. I loved being at the center. I loved all the information we would get, the wonderful care, as well as the encouragement to educate ourselves on birth. My son James loved coming and felt right at home in the center. I loved the option that he could be there are the birth with us if we wanted.

    My water broke around 8 p.m. on Saturday November 9th 2013. We were at the birth center by 9 p.m. The contractions came on so strong and so close together we were sure I'd have this baby in my arms by midnight. Aside from the real pain of labor everything was going okay. At some point though I started feeling an odd sensation and pain on my left hip, and like something was really really wrong. Titus head was not dropping into the birth canal. We decided to go to the hospital. I think it was around 3 or 4 a.m. I'd like to make a point that the care we recieved at the birth center, regardless of the fact that Titus was born via c section, was amazing. If we could have more children I would want to go back to the birth center. The midwives came with me to the hospital. Helped me there. Talked me through what was happening and made sure I understood what was happening. They helped me feel like I had a say in what was happening as much as I could. With our oldest son, we had no say in anything at all. We had no idea what was going on. The nurses, drs, and midwives worked together to help us do what was best for Titus. 

   After trying and trying he just would not come.My labor stalled. Pitocin was given. I did not make it to 10cm. My cervix started swelling. Titus was not in the birth canal, and he was also O.P. Eventually we had to get a c section. The dr was really nice about it. He worked  with us to try to avoid a c section. He also was really nice about the midwives being there and talking everything over with me. I can not stress enough how much I appreciate that. It meant the world to us, that they were working together for us.

    The c section went well. Aside from me being so scared I was shaking and crying, it went just fine. My husband even got the dr to laugh when they pulled Titus out and he said to the room "Look, he has 6 toes!" He doesn't by the way, five toes per foot. After the c section it gets really blurry. I have a hard time remembering. I also feel like I fill in the gaps with information people like my husband, the nurses, the midwives, the dr ect have given me. I remember being really tired. I remember them putting Titus in the bed next to me. He was perfect. He was 9 pounds and 12 ounces. He smelled amazing. That new baby smell, that gets your hormones all happy. He was so soft.He was adorable. He had a long day too. I remember someone coming to get him. I don't know where they took him. I remember my husband had to run home because he had poison ivy and had left his medicine at home. We thought I'd be fine for an hour or two. I remember my sister in law came in with James to give me a kiss, I think before Titus was taken to the other room or nursery? I remember there were A LOT of nurses in and out of the room. Too many. It sounded like everyone was whispering. They kept asking me my name, and how old I was. When is your birthday?I was trying to understand why they were giving me blood. They kept pressing on my stomach. It hurt for a while, but after a while I did not feel much of anything. I remember it got really cold. I remember it got dark. It was like I was looking through tiny slits. I could not see the whole picture of what I was looking at. I could barely see the nurse next to me. I remember hearing my husbands voice. I remember hearing the dr ask my husbands permission to do a surgery. Something about how I was going to die if they did not do it. They needed permission though because it was against the hospitals policy as a religious hospital. I don't remember anything after my husband told the dr it was ok to do the surgery. I needed to live.

    I spent a couple days in the icu. I spent a few days in the rooms on the labor and delivery floor. I had 7 blood transfusions total. But my family is safe and healthy. It is sad that we can no longer have any children, but this is God's plan. If we are to have more, we will adopt. We do not regret going to the birth center. I know it was God's plan. The hospital we were taken to by the midwives was hands down the best hospital we have ever been to. While the whole experience was quite scary, we understand how rare it is.We are more than anything just grateful. We are thankful for the connections we made, the wonderful people we met, and the wonderful care we had at both the birth center and the hospital. A birth experience is very important. Ours has shaped our family in many ways, both good and bad. We were in the right spot though, God took care of us. 

   I think that if we can learn anything from our experience, it is that birth is important to the individuals involved. There is not a one shoe fits all scenario. I think that drs and midwives can work together well to make a family feel comfortable and heard during their birth experience, as well as in a safe environment that medical intervention is there if needed. 

 (I was asked to write my experience as well as I could remember for the birth center, for a bill. This is what i wrote)

It is hard to wrap my head and heart around it sometimes. Sometimes it really hurts. I am sad that regardless of the measure I took I was unable to have a normal birth. Both births of my boys were beyond difficult. We had four miscarriages. Creating life like my body was made to, what females are made to do, was never easy or natural for me :( it is sad and hard to understand. But I am trying very hard to be thankful. I am thankful that unlike Rachel from the Bible, I am still here. God's grace was more than enough. He let me live. I get to be a mother here on earth to my flesh and blood, and I will also be a mother to these boys and our other children in heaven. I am beyond words thankful for that.

I would like to add that, I have a very close friend that had a healthy beautiful unmedicated birth at the birth center. I am very happy for her! I am very for happy healthy natural births. Not everyone's body is broken. I do feel like mine is broken. I am now missing a uterus that never seemed to function :( But I by countless miracles, was able to carry two big strong healthy boys.

and by many more miracles, Tim and I will raise these boys to God's glory.

Layers and Layer

I think I am ready to start talking about Titus birth. It was traumatic, but I want to.
my flippin laptop is not working well with me when I type. So I probably wont start on it until this weekend when i can find the mouse. But I am going to do it :)
also we started cloth diapering and i would like to write that soon as well as amber teething necklaces. oh and baby wearing! not like you all did not know about this about me before but I am a tree huggin hippy. lol. or at least as much as we can afford. ill be getting into that too. FOOD.
so i guess my goal is to start blogging once a week. and to really get into some topics. some personal like our birth and breastfeeding, and some spiffy stuff like babywearing and cloth diapers. I really want to get my blog organized this year.
I definitely need to figure out to fix this stupid keyboard issues. i have to fix like every sentence because it jumps me around. it is so annoying and honestly the mail reason i have not blogged in a while. i am running low on marbles as it is lol.

I miss my blog

So busy with two beautiful boys.  But I miss blogging. I need to make a routine so I can work out then blog and stick to it! I also need to stick to reading my Bible wvery day. I have been praying more. Pray for me! I'M TRYING.  ♡♡♡

Need to catch up!

Holy goodness.  So behind! We had titus nov 10. James is getting big. Titus is 2m now! Lots of snow! Ill try to get back to blogging tonight