Part 1 of 3 : my hubby

I am so sick with a tummy virus today that my husband stayed home. He was up all night wjth me helping with the kids and with me. He himself is not feeling great, but he is ok.
I am so thankful.  He let me take a nap and watched the kids. He went and got me soup and Gatorade.  It doesn't seem like a lot but I can't even get to the door.  It is days like today that I remember how blessed I am. I know every day I am blessed.  I need to convey that more to him. We have been through so much. I don't even know where to start. I'm not even sure I can finish our srory in 3 parts lol. I honestly could write a book about our story.

So I guess I will start in 4th grade.

In fourth grade I had a teacher going through an almost divorce,  is the way I understood it. I went to a private school.  She told the whole class one day, to pray.  She said to pray that when we did marry, that we married the right person the first time. That we would marry the person God made for us. So I did. I prayed. Every day. I did because, I was raised in an unstable home. I at a very young age understood how important a stable loving family was. I wanted one. The only way I'd ever get one was going to have me as the the wife, the mother, not the daughter. So I prayed.

I qent through life. Boyfriends here and there. Some serious some not.  Some where fun , other's were learning experiences.  None were real love. You don't know real love until it happens.  And when it happens.  Wow. It hits you like a hurricane. But it starts out of the blue. Like a freak storm you were not prepared for.

We had a mutual friend. I worked with said friend and McDonald's.  Friend brought guy through drive thru.  He thought I was cute. I don't remember him. Friend helped him get a job there. I called him todd for two weeks. I ignored his name tag. I couldn't stand him. He was an annoying and over confident.  I had no ideathat hewljld be my best friend,  my husband,  my lover, my companion,  the father of my children.  They guy God made for me. The guy God made me for.  No idea. Not a clue.

We closed together one night. I was ignoring him as usual.  Being a total b word to him. On purpose.  He was using said friends mp3 player.  He was listening to AC/DC. I love them. For the record,  our song is "You Shook Me All Night Long" that is my ringtone for him today.  I can't change it. Ever.
So we talked about music. We about video games. We talked abouts sports. Hook line and sinker. I was head over heels and I had no idea.

We went on double datws with friend. We went to kovies with friend and just us. We hung out at friends house. I was terrified to bring him home. My family for sure would scare him away.

I called said friend one night. I had no idea future husband was there.  Not a clue. I asked so many questions! Favorite movies color car food drink song game everything I didn't find out husband was there and heard that phone call until after we were married.  Husband said that phone call made him interested for a date. A real one. And so we both fell. Fast. Hard. I mean so fast that 3 months in we knew we where getting married. We were picking oit names for our kids. Hurricane.  It was just starting.  We had no idea the up hill battle we were about to embark on.

It was worth it.  I'd do it all over again. 

Life is too precious

Life is so beautiful. It is so fragile. We take it for granted. That hurts me. Deeply.
    You can turn on the news any time of day and see murder left and right. No respect for life. Something so fragile  lost. At the drop of a hat. For what? Religion? Peace? Silence?A statement? Peace? None but love is a worthy cause. None but love. Love to save a life. Love to preserve a life. No one life is more significat than another, but I can see love as a just cause to lay down a life.
It is not a secret, but I have not talked a lot about it. I almost died. It is something I have to live with every day. It affects my every day. My husband has to dealwith ptsd.He almost lost me, and it damn near killed him. It very much hurt him, and now we have to over come anxiety every day. (Please pray or him)
I get extra emotional about stuff now. James started preschool. That is hard enough. Throw  in apanic attack , because I almost wasnt here to see it. Seriously. Titus birthdayis coming up, mine is comingup, christmas, anniversary. These things I almost did not see. Every day I have here is a gift.
Everyday is not easy. Sometimes with my husbands anxiety I feel like my life is a burden not a gift. Sometimes it hurts. You get your feelings hurt, and it hurts worse. It hurts worse, because that gift seems to wear off for others quickly.They forget the realness of it quickly. They forget what it was like. I dont.I cant. Every day i wake up I am like I a still here. I am so thankful. So thankful. I am learning that a lot of people dont know what itmeans to truly be thankful. They dont know what it means to really value life.
Ive lost family and friendsto suicide. It breaks my heart anyways. After quickly fading to hardly alive and bleeding nearly to death after having Titus, it now hurts more. Worse. Harder. All the time.  I wantso badly to just hand life back. We only get one.
I also have a hard time with it. My mother has attempted suicide more times than i can recall. She tried yeserday. I almost lost her. It is a slap in the face and no matter how many times she tries, always just as scary. Our  system for mental health in this country is a joke. I ave seen and experienced so much.It is a facct. Mental health in this country is not taken seriously.
I have friends and family trying and winning the battle of mental health. I have friends and family that lost it.
I am still here (my near death experience had nothing to do with mental health my body failed me during delivery of titus) bui am still here.  I am going to start a campaign. A charity. For mental health. Bipolar. Depression.anxiety.suicide. Our health is important. Your life is important. Dont let anyone make you feel like it isnt. Even on your darkest day, you are alive, and that is beautiful.

If I saw myself

.There are many days where I stare at my husband in awe. Days where I look at my boys and tear up. Because I love them. With every fiber of me, I love them.
Today my husband said dont stretch like that in front of me when the boy's are awake. I looked at him like what? Ew. Ew because of me. Because of my body. Because of my c section.  The baby weight.  12 lbs. 12 horrible nasty pounds, which really look like 20 on me.
I said ew because I dont understand how anyone could find me attractive.  Beautiful. I am bombarded with pictures of moms who "got it back" quickly after a baby. I was one of them after James.  But after 3 miscarried children and a traumatic birth, an emergency hysterectomy,  struggles with breastfeeding. .. I find that I dont recognize my body. I find that it is hard to find myself under all of that weight. My happy. My self confidence.  It seems to have really taken a beating.
And I feel awdul for it. I feel like I am telling my husband he is ridiculous for loving me. Finding me attractive l he is amazing and I know he wouldn't lie to me.
I feel like I am calling God a liar. He isn't capable of making something,  someone in his image that is not beautiful.  Awe inspiring.
It is going to take me a long time to let go of the self hate amd learn to self love, something I've never done well.
I'm sure you may be wondering what my husband said when I said ew. I also said why. How is this attractive as I held my stretch marked fat around my belly.
What he said made me cry and feel ashamed. Ashamed for only thinking about myself , seeing nothing about myself.
He told me that I am beautiful.  That he loves me. That he prayed for me. That I am the mother of his children.  I am his best friend. That he waits to come home to me. He said so much that I can't even remember it all. He said he loves my body because it carried his babies and grew them. He talked about God he talked about us he talked about them. All of this that he sees when he sees and thinks of me.
Nothing that I see or think of when I see me. He doesn't see 12 lbs of stubborn weight that is probably hormones that wont come off until titus weans. He doesn't see stretch marks.  He doesn't love handles. He sees the woman God gave him. An answer to his prayers. The mother and wife God allowed him to keep. The woman he fought for, the horrible girl driver that is his best friend.
I need to find her. I want to see her when I stand infront of the mirror. 
I can only hope and pray that God can mold me into the image he sees. That my boys and my husband have a mother and wife who loves them, and herself. I think that's important.  Society today just knocks us down. We beat ourselves up so much and then turn on a tv or read a magazine.  But I should be reading their faces, their voices, their body language, and my Bible. Because from that I'll find the truth. In them I will be able to see myself.  In loving them maybe I can learn to love myself.

The what's are never ending

I want to get back to blogging.  I want an orgnized blog. I could potentially blog for a living. I would love that. As it is in today's society journalism is bekng molded. I love journalism.  Opinion pieces, hard news, soft newsm weather. I simply love it. So where do I start. What do I do. What do I write about. How do I figure out what to write about. How do I stay organized when I am scatter brained. Advice qanted. Direction wanted. Input needed.
What would you like to learn about?  We could totally take a jourmey together over the Internet,  but where to and what about. How do I keep you satisfied?  Eventually youd get tired of hearing about my beautiful boys lol :p
Input needed.