.There are many days where I stare at my husband in awe. Days where I look at my boys and tear up. Because I love them. With every fiber of me, I love them.
Today my husband said dont stretch like that in front of me when the boy's are awake. I looked at him like what? Ew. Ew because of me. Because of my body. Because of my c section. The baby weight. 12 lbs. 12 horrible nasty pounds, which really look like 20 on me.
I said ew because I dont understand how anyone could find me attractive. Beautiful. I am bombarded with pictures of moms who "got it back" quickly after a baby. I was one of them after James. But after 3 miscarried children and a traumatic birth, an emergency hysterectomy, struggles with breastfeeding. .. I find that I dont recognize my body. I find that it is hard to find myself under all of that weight. My happy. My self confidence. It seems to have really taken a beating.
And I feel awdul for it. I feel like I am telling my husband he is ridiculous for loving me. Finding me attractive l he is amazing and I know he wouldn't lie to me.
I feel like I am calling God a liar. He isn't capable of making something, someone in his image that is not beautiful. Awe inspiring.
It is going to take me a long time to let go of the self hate amd learn to self love, something I've never done well.
I'm sure you may be wondering what my husband said when I said ew. I also said why. How is this attractive as I held my stretch marked fat around my belly.
What he said made me cry and feel ashamed. Ashamed for only thinking about myself , seeing nothing about myself.
He told me that I am beautiful. That he loves me. That he prayed for me. That I am the mother of his children. I am his best friend. That he waits to come home to me. He said so much that I can't even remember it all. He said he loves my body because it carried his babies and grew them. He talked about God he talked about us he talked about them. All of this that he sees when he sees and thinks of me.
Nothing that I see or think of when I see me. He doesn't see 12 lbs of stubborn weight that is probably hormones that wont come off until titus weans. He doesn't see stretch marks. He doesn't love handles. He sees the woman God gave him. An answer to his prayers. The mother and wife God allowed him to keep. The woman he fought for, the horrible girl driver that is his best friend.
I need to find her. I want to see her when I stand infront of the mirror.
I can only hope and pray that God can mold me into the image he sees. That my boys and my husband have a mother and wife who loves them, and herself. I think that's important. Society today just knocks us down. We beat ourselves up so much and then turn on a tv or read a magazine. But I should be reading their faces, their voices, their body language, and my Bible. Because from that I'll find the truth. In them I will be able to see myself. In loving them maybe I can learn to love myself.
Today my husband said dont stretch like that in front of me when the boy's are awake. I looked at him like what? Ew. Ew because of me. Because of my body. Because of my c section. The baby weight. 12 lbs. 12 horrible nasty pounds, which really look like 20 on me.
I said ew because I dont understand how anyone could find me attractive. Beautiful. I am bombarded with pictures of moms who "got it back" quickly after a baby. I was one of them after James. But after 3 miscarried children and a traumatic birth, an emergency hysterectomy, struggles with breastfeeding. .. I find that I dont recognize my body. I find that it is hard to find myself under all of that weight. My happy. My self confidence. It seems to have really taken a beating.
And I feel awdul for it. I feel like I am telling my husband he is ridiculous for loving me. Finding me attractive l he is amazing and I know he wouldn't lie to me.
I feel like I am calling God a liar. He isn't capable of making something, someone in his image that is not beautiful. Awe inspiring.
It is going to take me a long time to let go of the self hate amd learn to self love, something I've never done well.
I'm sure you may be wondering what my husband said when I said ew. I also said why. How is this attractive as I held my stretch marked fat around my belly.
What he said made me cry and feel ashamed. Ashamed for only thinking about myself , seeing nothing about myself.
He told me that I am beautiful. That he loves me. That he prayed for me. That I am the mother of his children. I am his best friend. That he waits to come home to me. He said so much that I can't even remember it all. He said he loves my body because it carried his babies and grew them. He talked about God he talked about us he talked about them. All of this that he sees when he sees and thinks of me.
Nothing that I see or think of when I see me. He doesn't see 12 lbs of stubborn weight that is probably hormones that wont come off until titus weans. He doesn't see stretch marks. He doesn't love handles. He sees the woman God gave him. An answer to his prayers. The mother and wife God allowed him to keep. The woman he fought for, the horrible girl driver that is his best friend.
I need to find her. I want to see her when I stand infront of the mirror.
I can only hope and pray that God can mold me into the image he sees. That my boys and my husband have a mother and wife who loves them, and herself. I think that's important. Society today just knocks us down. We beat ourselves up so much and then turn on a tv or read a magazine. But I should be reading their faces, their voices, their body language, and my Bible. Because from that I'll find the truth. In them I will be able to see myself. In loving them maybe I can learn to love myself.
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