We decided.

Before there was ever a bun in the oven. Before there was ever a life lost. Before the hardships of adulthood sunk their life sucking teeth in. Before reality crashed over our heads. Before we really understood the pressure. Before we realized that society is not set up to help a family unit.
We decided.
Us. My husband and I. My bestfriend and I. My partner and I. The man God made and set apart for me. The man I wanted to be my children's father. The man I prayed for since 4th grade.
We decided we wanted to be a family. Family. A real one. A functional one.
A functional family.
A real family.
What is a family? When you turn on the tv, or read an article. Watch a vine. Youtube. See a picture.
What do you expect to see?
What has family become.

My husband and I. We decided.
And we are.
We are striving to be a functional family. A family full of love. A family that values each other. We are a core. Our core consists of all of us , Jesus dad mom children pets. This is our family.

Love. Comfort. Confidence. Compassion. Worth. Hope. Dreams. Talents.
We will build these up.
Weakness. Doubt. Pain. Worthlessness. Rejection. Failure.
We will work through them. Together.

We decided. A long time ago. Through trial and fire. We are who we are. We are who we want to be. We are striving to be better. We will work together. Love together. Grow together. Stick together.

I will be the mother I always wanted. I will be the mother I know I can be. I will beg God every day to give me the strength to be who He called me to be. Every step of the way. I'll try. For them. Through valleys and up mountains. I'll be who they need me to be.
Present. Protection. Fierce. Gentle. Compassion. Guidance.

We decided

Together

Because a broken home, leaves a broken heart. Unhealthy relationships leave holes. Rejection leaves doubt and bitterness.

We decided. What family is. So we will build it. With our bodies and souls. Our hearts.

And while I cant give them everything. We can be their everything. Everyday. Never turning our backs to them. But always with open arms and open hearts. Holding them. Lifting them up.
Building a foundation. For a healthy stable human. Who can later go out into the world, and build on that foundation. Another healthy family.
Love

The heart wants, what the heart wants. We decided. A loong time ago. We want a family.

Percy the dinosaur slayer

We had to send pepper to heaven in july. She was sick. She was 14. I miss her still very deeply.  She was my best friend my baby i love her. And i miss her every day.
I thought we'd wait a while to get a new dog. How could i possibly love some other dog while hurting so badly.
But i do and we did. He needed a home. East st louis is not a safe place for anyone,  particularly animals.
We have a pup.  He is a mutt. Pitt and lab we think. He is hyper and hilarious.  Loves thw boys very much. Love us. I dont love him the same. Because he isn't the same. I still love pep and misa her.
It is so nice having a dog though and he really needed a home.
And i needed a dog. Sleeping at night without one bothered me beyond words. Id literally walk to the door to let a dog out even when pepper was gone. There was food everywhere.  Apparently james is notorious for taking a bite and putting it down.  Who knew? Pepper lol
Percy is a great dog. He was very calm as a baby pup. Lol and that passed quickly.  Once he started to feel safe. Got regular food and water. He really started to perk up lol.
He loves to play with the boys and they love him ♡ he also loves dinosaurs.  James will be getting new dinosaurs Christmas as we have lost a great many of them to Percy thw dinosaur slayer.
(Yes we named him after percy Jackson as we already have a sirius and no other hp name fit lol)

azure dreams come true

As I gave into those beautiful dreams
My hope
My life
Complete

If only i could swim in their innocence
Be covered in the sweetness
That flows out of them

How we longed
And prayed
For these
Beautiful azure pools
The wonderful
Hues of blue

That are your eyes
Our boys
My sons

Full of life and love
Hopes and dreams
A future
Held in the palm of our creator

How amazing and in awe
Am I
That He trusted me with
Such beautiful eyes

Souls
People
You will both grow up
And be men

It is happening before my eyes

How quickly
A baby fades
To a toddler
To a boy

One day a man
 My sons

With thick flowing hair
Strong hands
Already

That boyish facade
Will whisper away
Like the baby
Who disappears
In broad daylight

Those tiny noses
The gentle coos
The soft i love you

My boys

The sweet moments
Of hearing you sleep
The angelic face as you dream

And then you open those eyes
Those big beautiful
Crystal clear
Blue fountains of life

Oh how i love you
How much hope and joy
Peace and meaning
Answered prayers

You and you
My boys

Mommy loves you

Complicated

Ok. So mental health is a serious condition.  It should be taken seriously.  It is sad that in our society it is more of a joke and a made up weakness.

Fake. Doing it for attention.  They should just get over it. You can stop whenever you want. You need to grow up. Immature. Selfish.

Post partume. Bipolar.  Depression.  Post traumatic stress disorder.  Anxiety.  Suicide.  Not fake.

Hurtful things that people who dont suffer mental illness say. I've been guilty too.

I have had panic attacks.  I struggle with anorexia.  It is a struggle Ill have for the reat of my life. Sometimes I can forg it and other times it is a daily fight to eat. It's all in my head.

It is easy to forget how complicated the mind is, and how powerful it is. While it is super easy for me to recover from a panic attack and not have anxiety and depression daily, I do struggle with my self esteem.  I cant just tell myself Im pretry and not fat and accept that. Much like my husband can't just tell his anxiety that there is no reason to worry so stop.

Of course we have faith in God and Jesus and know that He can and will help us through this. We also know that God gave us resources like councelors ect.

As Ive been on the hunt seeing what our insurance covers and finding drs for us, I'm finding soo many places. Places like blah blah wellspring of blah for mental health. There are so many mental health resources and centers near us. And I am angry. I have many dear friends and family members that struggle with bipolar depression and anxiety.  Why are these places not being used more? Im really upset at how not well known the resources are known. How can they be utilized beforehand, before crisis, if no one knows about them.

I want to help in our area, and I think awareness is where it needs to start.

Cant sleep

I love that our windows are open. I really hope we can move to a home where we can set up a fire pit. I tend to like to be in the front yard mkre than the back. So we are looking for houses with nice fwnced back yard and semi private ish front yard. Ill just have to get lots lf shrubs or something lol
Anyway im so excited it is fall. I was blessed and went shopping for my bday with my dad to get new shoes and a sweater.  I love sweaters. Im getting yarn for hilkarys mom so she can make me a ravenclaw scarf and a grey hat. James is getting a gryffindor sp hat lol. I loove fall. I wish it lasted wayyy longer.
It is gorgeous outside and i love the crisp mornings!  We will be going to the zoo with mel soon and the mo gardens with shawna. Tim said he wants to take the boys to the zoo on a weekend again too. Apple picking.  We will do that too and the pumpkin farm!! Ohhh how i love fall. Pumpkin bread and butternut squash. Guys. I really love fall.
Ive been thinking hard abojt it too. I think my next blog ill have points and everything lol, about fall traditions. It is in fact up to tim and I what traditions we want for our family, for our boys.  It is such an awesome feeling knowing we get to start something so precious as family tradition. 
What are some things you love to do?

And dont give up hope.

Life can be pretty down at times. It is overwhelming.  It is hard. It is repetitive.  Many people work to provide for a life , and in return dont get to experience life.
I have a really full plate right now. Life is hectic.  But hope. Always hope.
I really am trying to figure out how and where to start something for mental health in the area I live. My husband suffers anxiety and depression (and ptsd after my hospital experience).  It can be debilitating.  He is amazing and strong. He has no idea. I hope one day he sees himself like I do. I hope one day I can see him like He does.
Hope there is that word again.
We are having issues with James school, so we want to move. Which means selling this house buying a new one. It means a job transfer.  Something we have been praying for for years. But I always trust that God is listening.  His timing is perfect.  My hope is placed in the right one.
Hope. Trust. You cant trust God too much. You cant have too much faith, and you can't tell God there is never hope. There is always hope. Not how we want. Maybe not how we like. But He is always there right? He said He is. So He is. So there is always hope.
I'm embarking on a big journey.  Finishing and publishing my books. That itself is overwhelming.  I have tims support though. Hope. That puffs me up full of hope and drive.
I know that if I strive to do these things, I can. If I don't there will be some good outcome learning experiences something.
Life is not what we make it, but life is full of hope and beauty.  Keep God in the center lf it and watch what He does. Some days I dont get to read my bible. Because I didnt make enough effort.  How amazing is it that I have hope for a better tomorrow than today. I can always hope for myself to do better.  I can try and keep trying.
Hope really is pretty neat.
Please dont stop hoping for your better tomorrow or today. Jesus is hope and with Him all things are possible ♡

Part 1 of 3 : my hubby

I am so sick with a tummy virus today that my husband stayed home. He was up all night wjth me helping with the kids and with me. He himself is not feeling great, but he is ok.
I am so thankful.  He let me take a nap and watched the kids. He went and got me soup and Gatorade.  It doesn't seem like a lot but I can't even get to the door.  It is days like today that I remember how blessed I am. I know every day I am blessed.  I need to convey that more to him. We have been through so much. I don't even know where to start. I'm not even sure I can finish our srory in 3 parts lol. I honestly could write a book about our story.

So I guess I will start in 4th grade.

In fourth grade I had a teacher going through an almost divorce,  is the way I understood it. I went to a private school.  She told the whole class one day, to pray.  She said to pray that when we did marry, that we married the right person the first time. That we would marry the person God made for us. So I did. I prayed. Every day. I did because, I was raised in an unstable home. I at a very young age understood how important a stable loving family was. I wanted one. The only way I'd ever get one was going to have me as the the wife, the mother, not the daughter. So I prayed.

I qent through life. Boyfriends here and there. Some serious some not.  Some where fun , other's were learning experiences.  None were real love. You don't know real love until it happens.  And when it happens.  Wow. It hits you like a hurricane. But it starts out of the blue. Like a freak storm you were not prepared for.

We had a mutual friend. I worked with said friend and McDonald's.  Friend brought guy through drive thru.  He thought I was cute. I don't remember him. Friend helped him get a job there. I called him todd for two weeks. I ignored his name tag. I couldn't stand him. He was an annoying and over confident.  I had no ideathat hewljld be my best friend,  my husband,  my lover, my companion,  the father of my children.  They guy God made for me. The guy God made me for.  No idea. Not a clue.

We closed together one night. I was ignoring him as usual.  Being a total b word to him. On purpose.  He was using said friends mp3 player.  He was listening to AC/DC. I love them. For the record,  our song is "You Shook Me All Night Long" that is my ringtone for him today.  I can't change it. Ever.
So we talked about music. We about video games. We talked abouts sports. Hook line and sinker. I was head over heels and I had no idea.

We went on double datws with friend. We went to kovies with friend and just us. We hung out at friends house. I was terrified to bring him home. My family for sure would scare him away.

I called said friend one night. I had no idea future husband was there.  Not a clue. I asked so many questions! Favorite movies color car food drink song game everything I didn't find out husband was there and heard that phone call until after we were married.  Husband said that phone call made him interested for a date. A real one. And so we both fell. Fast. Hard. I mean so fast that 3 months in we knew we where getting married. We were picking oit names for our kids. Hurricane.  It was just starting.  We had no idea the up hill battle we were about to embark on.

It was worth it.  I'd do it all over again.