Hippy Dippy Too Fast!

So I have decided, on a couple things over the weekend with Tim
One, this week needs to just slow slow slow down. Our James will be two on sunday, and his party is Saturday. I am not ready (and neither is the house but it will be lol)
Two, I have decided and Tim said ok lol, that I will not cut my hair for at least two years. I will get color touch ups, and trims when needed like every two or so months. But I want to grow it out. I honestly think I want to grow it longer than two years, but we will see how heave it is at that point. My head my say I have no choice and have to cut it. I have incredibly thick healthy heavy hair.
Three. For James his animals were turtles and frogs. and they fit him well. He honestly looked like a lil turtle sometimes when he was lil. cracks me up. I decided and tim did not object to giraffes and monkeys for Titus. I would like to stick with blues and greens and browns if I can. Their room is blue and for James it is mostly blue and green. I am going to make the crib blanket for Titus. I am excited.
Hm. There was more? I don't remember though lol
But in other news my cousin had her baby Hannah :) I am so excited! just wish I could get out there to visit but don't see that happening for a while.
went to church today it was nice to see Victoria and tisha :) and it was just nice to be there!!!

Update and LOTS

We had our ultrasound on monday. The sch was gone!! (subchorionic hemorrhage) Thank YOU Jesus! The cysts on my ovarie that wasnt told about because it can be normal and they didnt wanna stress me out about, was also gone! Placenta is attached nicely and secured at a good spot nice and high. PELVIC REST IS OVER. Thank God!
The baby was 12w5d at the ultrasound but was measuring larger than 13 weeks. Has a big head and nice strong bone structure like James, and Tim. SO BIG, cus he is a BOY!!! We were able to tell! I did not know we could tell this early. But I thought back and remembered with James we never did an ultrasound at 12 weeks. The dr used her handheld ultrasound thing she uses to check the heartbeat and you can see a small ultrasound so that is what we did to look at James at 12 weeks. It was such a surprise to me to find out so early but there was no mistaking that stuff between his legs!! I wish we would have known we would be finding that out, because Tim would have come to the ultrasound. But PRAISE Jesus we are so thankful and so excited! We are having another boy!!! We are pretty sure this is going to be our last child, and we are beyond excited that we will be welcoming James as a big brother and Titus to the family this november. We have agreed on the name Titus Isaiah Lawhon. I love love love it! Gonna have me a James and a Titus (and of course our babies in heaven).
Dr said he is big, and once he hits 10 lbs (scary I know but James would have been a 12 lb baby had the twins water not been taking up so much space) anyways once he gets that big then we start talking induction or c section. I really want to have him naturally and since my epi wore off with James, I wont even get one this time. For real, wasn't worth the money at all.
We are so so excited. James is such a wonderful person and I can't wait to have two children in myarms. Two people to watch grow. Two people to love and to watch tim love :D
We have James in a twin bed in his room, and the entertainment center with the tv and books is in there too as well as the crib. So all the toys and clothes (except for what is in the closet) is in the middle bedroom. Which is awesome! They can share a room and have a play room and I am so happyl We wont have to buy that much, I am getting a basinnet this weekend that I found on fb for 15 dollars, they are only used for like 2 months so we don't need a new one then I can donate it. Then I will buy some more bottles, and some clothes, I want to get a blooming bath, the blue one. Those things look awesome. I also want to get a pump. Of course Ill get him a build a bear and a couple books and thing just for him. But we are not starting from scratch. And my grandma linda is giving me a sewing machine so i will buy a fitted sheet to match what ever fabric i decide to use to make the comforter for him. Also I will get a blanket crochet for him like James has, and a security blanket like james bear bear. It sounds like a lot, but seriously isnt! The most expensive thing I need to get is the medula electric pump, ill have to start looking at those I know they arent cheap but worth it. I am very determined that this baby will not be a nicu baby praise Jesus and I will be able to breast feed.
So much to be thakful for! and so excited! Thank you for letting me share our excitement. This is such a blessing and means so much to us. Such a miracle and we thank God all the time for this child and our Jamesy.
For those of you wondering about the progesterone. The dr is weaning me off of it. She said it is safe to stop cold turkey but sometimes ppl bleed when that happens and of course that causes quite a scare and stress. She has me on it every other day, then ever three days then done. I am also on an antibiotic for a uti right now, and i am still on baby apsirin. I think I get to stop the aspirin soon, and they took blood monday to check my vitamins. I should be able to get out in the sun a bit this summer since James is older so I am hoping I wont have to take vitamin d, i probably will have to take iron, and vitamin c to help absorb it.
Also I got my hair done yesterday. I don't think I got my hair done since last september right before hillarys wedding. Wow! It felt so awesome to get it done :)
Anyways, that was a lot and I am gonna go lay down and get my booger butt to sleep :D
Have a wonderful day!!

What mother's day means.

Today is mothers day. That one day a year where we thank our mommas for all hey do. That day we remember all the crap they put up with. The day we think about all our fun and loving memories with them. A day we spend time with them. With our moms aunts sisters cousins grandmas and important ladies in our lives. It's a day we say thanks because they deserve it and we don't say it nearly enogh.
This is my I guess third mothers day if yiu count the may when james was almost about to come out :) now he is 2 and I have a 12 wk 4 day baby in my tummy :) I am so excited and thankful.  There isn't anything I love more than being a mom (and a wife). It makes my life. It is love ♥
I have to say I cried though. I cry a lot. I'm aure my hormknes are helping me with this lol. This times at year my mama Gregory went to heaven. I miss her every day, we all do. And while I am sad and miss her and cruahed that its been a whole year wiht out her already I have peace. And I am happy. I am happy because I know I will see her again. I am happy because today she is in heaven and can hug our children who are there waiting on us. All four of them. So I know she is busy. She likes to be busy. I am also happy because this is the first full mothers day she has got to spend with her mother in a very long time and her grandma. I am sad that she is not here, but I am so happy for her to be there. I also knk w she woild not want me to be sad. She would not want me to be upset on a day when I should be enjoying the lil ones that make me a mom enjoying my husband who made me a mom and enjoying the wonderful ladies in my life.
Mothers day is about being happy because you are a mom and for all the love still have to give.
I got to spend time with my mom I law yesterday and Ill go see my mom later this week. I still have so much love to give them and others and of course my babies.and I am thanful for that. I know it is ok tk be sad today too, but I won't wallow and I wont linger because I want a hug when I get to heaven not a smack witb a wooden spoon lol. :) I hope you all have a wonderful mothers day. Hug your babies and tell them thank you for making yoh a mlm and a better person and for showing you what love really is.

It's Almost Monday

So, I am we are anxiously waiting on monday! Ultrasound!!! I'll be 13 weeks next wednesday.  We are excited to see a healthy moving baby! with a big head, which is to be expected lol. James was huge at this point at his ultrasound. I expect this baby to be also, which we are pretty sure is a boy. Of course we don't care and just want a healthy baby.
So I called the dr office yesterday, totally thought theyd have me wait till monday but called anyways. I have a uti.They got me in within an hour. I wasn't sure if it was pregnant having to pee and pressure, or kidney stones, but it started hurting so I wasn't so sure. I hit 12 weeks on wednesay and since it was starting to hurt like hell, thought I had better get it checked out. I am on antibiotics, and excited to start feeling better soon!
James and I got to listen to the baby's heartbeat. It was strong! not as fast as last time not 162. but 159. Still good, and was so so strong. IT made me feel so so so so SO much better. I am anxious for monday but not worried anymore. Jesus is def taking care of this lil one, or large lil one :D Well I hope everyone has a good weekend! I know I have a long day ahead of me and am already excited for bedtime lol. James is staying with his mama and papa tonight, and tim works so I get the house to myself tonight and I know I'll be lonely but it will also be nice and qiuet! I have a lot of running around to do today, but a nice warm shower and some laying in bed are in my near future :D

Time

They say that time heals all wounds. That with time it will get better. I imagine, it does. I imagine that trust gets better over time. I know that sometimes, time is not helpful. Sometimes time gives you too much time to creep into thoughts that drag you down.That is a scary time.

I am so thankful. We will be 11 weeks tomrrow. I know God is in control. We finally figured out how we are going to rearrange James room! to fit his bed and the crib (assuming the baby or babies are boys and i think if there are twins, which the dr wants to check just ot be sure, the twins will still fit in a room together with James we wont separate them). Anyway, I am excited, it took time for me to visualize how we would move things around. The armiour sp? will go back in the middle bedroom, and the entertainment center will go on the wall with the window next to the vent. The hamper will go in the middle bedroom with most of the clothes. The crib will stay where it is but we will have to make it a crib again. The twin mattress will go in James room on a frame on the wall across from the crib (which is on the wall with the door). It will fit and we are excited. James has been sleeping in the middle bedroom on the twin by himself, because the kid apparently needs that much room to spread out lol. We are excited.

But to be honest, I can't be ok all the time. I guess it is normal. There are days where I am fine! Especially when I feel the baby move, which I have been for a couple weeks. It's kinda nuts I didnt until 14 weeks with James, and this time it was around 8. Not every day, but I guess when you really know what it feels like you feel it sooner. It's exciting. It gives me hope. It gives me confidence in the life God has given to us that is growing in me. But I have days like today, where I am scared. And i have mixed feelings about it. I get mad that I let fear and anxiety be an issue at all. I pray consntantly and feel ashamed that I even feel this way. I know fear like that doesnt come from God. I also fell like I can't help it. Sometimes I just can't. I need to be reading my Bible more than I am, so I can try to fill my thoughts with God and drive away the fear. But I know I am human. We, have lost four children. Four children are waiting in heaven for us. Four children whose eyes I have never seen, whos breath I have never heard, whose grasp I have never felt. Four children, my husband has never been able to hold up and say, this is mine, this is my child given to me by God, this is our miracle. Sometimes I cry. I cant help it. I just can't.
Sometimes I get so nervous, so anxious and scared, that I can't deal with it. I literally have to sit down and say Jesus I trust you, Jesus I trust you over and over until I calm down. Trust is not a feeling, it is a choice and sometimes you just don't feel it you just have to say it. Sometimes I sit down, like today, and get scared. I get scared about getting to the ultrasound that is slowly creeping closer, seriously so slow, that when we get there we wont see a healthy baby that it wont be ok. But I haven't bleed. I havent cramped too bad. And I am sick a lot, most of the day. Not like horrible sick. I gag a lot. Throw up some, and feel nausea off and on all day mostly in the morning  and in the evening. The afternoons are nice, I am just tired. I remeber feeling this way with James. Only difference is I have heart bearn already and I am huge compared to how I was at this point with James. The heart bearn early and the size make me wonder if I am having twins. I honestly was surprised there was only one baby at the first ultrasound. Dr said we could have missed a twin , so we will for sure check in may. guess what gets me the most is the feeling I can't shake. Like the picture was wrong. That there were two no matter what they said. I don't know if it is true, if it is intuition, or if it is just because we had two when I was pregnant the first time. Who knows, guess only time will tell.
Anyways, for whoever is reading this, please pray for me. I know stressing is bad for the baby. I know God is in control. I know I can trust and hope in Him. I know He knows our hearts and has heard our insane amount of prayers. I just have days like today. They aren't as bad as they used to be, but I am still ashamed I have them at all. But I would imagine, given what we've been through, it is normal. Please pray that I will have peace. Pray for the baby. It is so weird, I am worried about the baby, but super sure and convinced the hemorrhage has already been healed and taken care of. I know Jesus already took care of it. Why can't I just be like hey I know in november I will have James and this baby. I have days like that, and then every once in a while days where I dread the ultrasound afraid of what we might not see. So dumb. I hate fear. I hate satan. I hate that sometimes he sure can use time to pull us down. Ugh.
But I know who my God is, and I just have to accept that no matter how I feel, it doesnt matter, because what matters is who He is.
And what He has already done. He has given us answers, helped us get pregnant and stay pregnant. So many don't get that, but in His mercy he gave that. I need to be confident. Being human sucks sometimes. For real.
We will get through this. Maybe slowly. Tim finally cried, really cried about the miscarriages, and it gave me relief. I didnt realize he was holding a lot inside still. And I didn't reallize I was making it sounds like it was just me that went through it. I didnt mean that at all. I am sad I ever made it sound that way when talking to him about it. We lost together, struggled together, and are growing and overcoming together (with God and Jesus of course)

Anyways, I would like to brag on my son for a moment. And Also say God has been so good to us. Helping us here and there with some important personal things :) and of course with giving us James.
James. I want to say, I get nervous that he does not talk much. But he comprehends very well. He holds my hand at the store, walks well with me. He eats with a spoon and a fork. He climbs up the stairs by himself holding the rail or just stepping up now. He goes down the slides by himself at the park. He helps get himself dressed, and helps pick out his clothes. He helps with his shoes. At the store he helps me hold things. He helps me put things away. He is not two yet, but he tries to tuck me in bed. He helps me brush my teeth.He helps me brush my teeth. He isn't two yet. But he is doing this that I haven't seen two year olds do. He is amazing. He climbs in the car by himself, and gets in his seat. He climbs out of his seat and our of the car by himself. He carries his back pack sometimes. He is truly remarkable. We took a break from potty trainging, and are going to try again next week in may. I want to try letting him standing up when he pees. I have talked to some friends who have boys and they said it worked better doing it that way since he is paying attention to day. So we will try. If he is ready he will, if not we will take a break and try again. He is not wetting during naps or bed time, so his blatter is ready. So potty training and talking, and he is trying to talk more. Just ya know it makes me nervous when I hear lil girls jabber and he doesnt. But He is physically amazing me every day.

Yikes, it is late and I want to get to bed. I am so tired and hopefully my stomach will let me sleep soon. Whoever is reading this. Thank you for praying for me and my family. I am thankful for my beautiful family, and the hope of a larger family in november. I am thankful that one day we will be a whole family in heaven. If you asked Tim or I what we dream about, it is heaven. That day in heaven where we meet Jesus and our children and get to be a whole family. Where we get to hug them and love them and sit with Jesus and love him. That day, though maybe far away, will be the best day of our entire life.