Time

They say that time heals all wounds. That with time it will get better. I imagine, it does. I imagine that trust gets better over time. I know that sometimes, time is not helpful. Sometimes time gives you too much time to creep into thoughts that drag you down.That is a scary time.

I am so thankful. We will be 11 weeks tomrrow. I know God is in control. We finally figured out how we are going to rearrange James room! to fit his bed and the crib (assuming the baby or babies are boys and i think if there are twins, which the dr wants to check just ot be sure, the twins will still fit in a room together with James we wont separate them). Anyway, I am excited, it took time for me to visualize how we would move things around. The armiour sp? will go back in the middle bedroom, and the entertainment center will go on the wall with the window next to the vent. The hamper will go in the middle bedroom with most of the clothes. The crib will stay where it is but we will have to make it a crib again. The twin mattress will go in James room on a frame on the wall across from the crib (which is on the wall with the door). It will fit and we are excited. James has been sleeping in the middle bedroom on the twin by himself, because the kid apparently needs that much room to spread out lol. We are excited.

But to be honest, I can't be ok all the time. I guess it is normal. There are days where I am fine! Especially when I feel the baby move, which I have been for a couple weeks. It's kinda nuts I didnt until 14 weeks with James, and this time it was around 8. Not every day, but I guess when you really know what it feels like you feel it sooner. It's exciting. It gives me hope. It gives me confidence in the life God has given to us that is growing in me. But I have days like today, where I am scared. And i have mixed feelings about it. I get mad that I let fear and anxiety be an issue at all. I pray consntantly and feel ashamed that I even feel this way. I know fear like that doesnt come from God. I also fell like I can't help it. Sometimes I just can't. I need to be reading my Bible more than I am, so I can try to fill my thoughts with God and drive away the fear. But I know I am human. We, have lost four children. Four children are waiting in heaven for us. Four children whose eyes I have never seen, whos breath I have never heard, whose grasp I have never felt. Four children, my husband has never been able to hold up and say, this is mine, this is my child given to me by God, this is our miracle. Sometimes I cry. I cant help it. I just can't.
Sometimes I get so nervous, so anxious and scared, that I can't deal with it. I literally have to sit down and say Jesus I trust you, Jesus I trust you over and over until I calm down. Trust is not a feeling, it is a choice and sometimes you just don't feel it you just have to say it. Sometimes I sit down, like today, and get scared. I get scared about getting to the ultrasound that is slowly creeping closer, seriously so slow, that when we get there we wont see a healthy baby that it wont be ok. But I haven't bleed. I havent cramped too bad. And I am sick a lot, most of the day. Not like horrible sick. I gag a lot. Throw up some, and feel nausea off and on all day mostly in the morning  and in the evening. The afternoons are nice, I am just tired. I remeber feeling this way with James. Only difference is I have heart bearn already and I am huge compared to how I was at this point with James. The heart bearn early and the size make me wonder if I am having twins. I honestly was surprised there was only one baby at the first ultrasound. Dr said we could have missed a twin , so we will for sure check in may. guess what gets me the most is the feeling I can't shake. Like the picture was wrong. That there were two no matter what they said. I don't know if it is true, if it is intuition, or if it is just because we had two when I was pregnant the first time. Who knows, guess only time will tell.
Anyways, for whoever is reading this, please pray for me. I know stressing is bad for the baby. I know God is in control. I know I can trust and hope in Him. I know He knows our hearts and has heard our insane amount of prayers. I just have days like today. They aren't as bad as they used to be, but I am still ashamed I have them at all. But I would imagine, given what we've been through, it is normal. Please pray that I will have peace. Pray for the baby. It is so weird, I am worried about the baby, but super sure and convinced the hemorrhage has already been healed and taken care of. I know Jesus already took care of it. Why can't I just be like hey I know in november I will have James and this baby. I have days like that, and then every once in a while days where I dread the ultrasound afraid of what we might not see. So dumb. I hate fear. I hate satan. I hate that sometimes he sure can use time to pull us down. Ugh.
But I know who my God is, and I just have to accept that no matter how I feel, it doesnt matter, because what matters is who He is.
And what He has already done. He has given us answers, helped us get pregnant and stay pregnant. So many don't get that, but in His mercy he gave that. I need to be confident. Being human sucks sometimes. For real.
We will get through this. Maybe slowly. Tim finally cried, really cried about the miscarriages, and it gave me relief. I didnt realize he was holding a lot inside still. And I didn't reallize I was making it sounds like it was just me that went through it. I didnt mean that at all. I am sad I ever made it sound that way when talking to him about it. We lost together, struggled together, and are growing and overcoming together (with God and Jesus of course)

Anyways, I would like to brag on my son for a moment. And Also say God has been so good to us. Helping us here and there with some important personal things :) and of course with giving us James.
James. I want to say, I get nervous that he does not talk much. But he comprehends very well. He holds my hand at the store, walks well with me. He eats with a spoon and a fork. He climbs up the stairs by himself holding the rail or just stepping up now. He goes down the slides by himself at the park. He helps get himself dressed, and helps pick out his clothes. He helps with his shoes. At the store he helps me hold things. He helps me put things away. He is not two yet, but he tries to tuck me in bed. He helps me brush my teeth.He helps me brush my teeth. He isn't two yet. But he is doing this that I haven't seen two year olds do. He is amazing. He climbs in the car by himself, and gets in his seat. He climbs out of his seat and our of the car by himself. He carries his back pack sometimes. He is truly remarkable. We took a break from potty trainging, and are going to try again next week in may. I want to try letting him standing up when he pees. I have talked to some friends who have boys and they said it worked better doing it that way since he is paying attention to day. So we will try. If he is ready he will, if not we will take a break and try again. He is not wetting during naps or bed time, so his blatter is ready. So potty training and talking, and he is trying to talk more. Just ya know it makes me nervous when I hear lil girls jabber and he doesnt. But He is physically amazing me every day.

Yikes, it is late and I want to get to bed. I am so tired and hopefully my stomach will let me sleep soon. Whoever is reading this. Thank you for praying for me and my family. I am thankful for my beautiful family, and the hope of a larger family in november. I am thankful that one day we will be a whole family in heaven. If you asked Tim or I what we dream about, it is heaven. That day in heaven where we meet Jesus and our children and get to be a whole family. Where we get to hug them and love them and sit with Jesus and love him. That day, though maybe far away, will be the best day of our entire life.