On the edge

All day I think,
I ponder,
I pray,

That I may,
Deserve the things You gave,

The son I have,
Whose joy is abounding

The husband I have,
Whose love is always surrounding

The babies in heaven,
That one day I will hold

The child we pray for,
to be soon be in my womb

The home we have,
It is more than a house,
It is the foundation

But as I pray
As I ponder
As I wonder

I can't help but feel
So stuck,

So stuck

Not moving,
Not growing
No matter how hard I try

I feel crushed.

Some days better than others
Some days harder than others.

I'm trying to trust
I'm trying to learn
I'm trying to lean

On this relationship with You.
That God I know is there

But how do I know I am climbing up
Or falling down
Because I feel like
I am not doing either.

To grow into a person
The person You created

To feel like I
I am at least learning to be
Who You made me to be.

I want to be better
I need to better.

I know in my head
To Trust You
To love You

But do I understand what that means?
Is it ok if I do not?

How do I know Lord,
If I am letting You down,
Or lifting You up.

All I want to do,
Is be who I am supposed to

To love so much,
To care,
To shine,
To show Your love.

To be a wonderful mother.
To be a caring wife,
A partner.

I feel like Lord,
I keep asking,
I keep trying,
I keep praying,
But I am not moving?

I know I know I know!
I know!
That you are there.
Always faithful,
Always helping,
Always loving,

So many answered prayers,
So much help all the time,
My life truly does not function
With out You.

I just want you to know I am trying.
Trying so hard.
Please Help me Lord.

To see a new side of You
To find a new side of me
So I can have this relationship with You
That my spirit and heart are crying out for

So I can be who You made me to be.
So I can be who they deserve.

Help me Lord to trust
To Love more,
To move when I need to,
To be still and listen,
To always care,
To always be
Growing in
You.