Bye Bye Worry

It is so easy to sulk in pain and misery, in sadness and despair. It is easy to stay there, even when you know God is bigger than your problem. It is easy to stay there, even when you know that your problem isn't your's it's Gods.
I am really glad I went to church today. I really needed to hear it. I needed to be reminded that I can only do so much. I am only so tall. God though, he is bigger than any of the problems I will ever face in my life. God will see me through anything.
I was reminded that, I can ask, and keep asking, and I will recieve. I just need to focus on God and me. My relationship with Him, and the rest will work out on His time. I nee dto stop worrying about something God has already figured out for us. He knows how badly we want another baby. So I'll just keep asking and praying. I will work harder on my relationship with God. I will work harder on my serving. I will pray more and read my Bible more. I will work on me. I have a son, a gorgeous boy that deserves the best me I can give him. I can only do that through a better relationship with God. Through that better relationship, I'll be a better mom and a better wife to my wonderful husband. Eventually, when it is supposed to happen. We will have another person to add to our family :) But it has to start with a better relationship with God. Not that I have a bad one, but there is and always will be room for improvement.
I want to be a better me a better wife and mother. I am excited to start running tomorrow. To start really taking care of myself. I am going to run, make sure I am pumping myself with vitamins water and good food. Read, write, pray paint. I'll even enjoy wine in small amounts.  A happy and healthy mommy makes a happy healthy home right? I know I have a lot to work on :) but I am excited to do it. To be better for James, and for Tim. To get closer to God and be better for Him. Lots to do. and I am not even sure how much time to do it in. But God does, and we will work on figuring that time phrame out after I go to the drs in jan.

Have a good day and remeber how much God loves you. and how big He is.

Hot chocolate and Snow!

Finally finally!! We got some snow. Not a lot. Enough that it stuck and there is a lil to play in :) Not sure if we are going to play in it today or not though. James played in it last night and he didn't know what to think It was alot of fun and he really enjoyed it :) He kept makign hand prints in it. It was adorable. All smiles and giggles.
Then last night I got to cuddle up with him and drink some hot chocolate. He watched Chugginton and I read a couple chapters in the Hobbit. It was really nice. Fridays are really great. Well they can be anyways, we had the miscarriage last friday and that was awful. But a normal typical friday, I spend my day with James. Tim works two jobs on friday *because he is an amazing hard workign man* and I usually do the dusting and vacuuming on fridays.
I am really glad to finally have the house back to normal. It is clean like it supposed to be. I had no motivation to do much of anything after we lost the baby. James and Tim helped so much though. James gave me a reason to get up, and Tim gave me hope. I know God will take care of it and James will have a sibling as soon as God lets us. Which is hopefully soon. I go to the dr on Jan 18th at 330. I will talk to her about what the next steps are and she will send out lab work on my blood to check hormones clotting and I am going to ask her to check my folic acid.
I am drinking alot or water, drinking orange juice, taking my prenatals and taking a B complex vitamin *which I forgot I was taking before I got pregnant with James* and it has folic acid in it. So maybe all of this will help. Plus I start running on monday, and I am going to find some good yoga on youtube and do that twice a week while running three times a week. In a couple weeks with working out and painting and such, I should be pretty relaxed and as destressed as I am going to get.
Praying that this helps. I don't want to let Tim down. He is so strong and so determined. He says as long as I am ok, emotionally and physically that we will keep trying. He is very determined. I know his heart is heavy, but it is what both of our hearts want. I am sure God knows this. We will just keep praying and keep trying. In matthew there is a verse I think it is something like chapter 7:7? could be wrong Ill check in a bit, but anyways it says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks recieves; he who seeks finds; and to hime who knocks the door will be opened. Whic of you if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you then , though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him. So in everything do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."
I do not believe God is oblivious to our hearts desires. He has our children in heaven that He has adopted until we get there. He knows how much we want another baby, so James has someone to play with and we have another smiling face around here. Being a parent, there is no greater joy. I pray God will not deny us this. We are so very very very! blessed to have James. Going through all of th is, maybe we are to learn patients? and appreciate even more, our little James. I am not sure? But I will do my best to relax and place it God's hands. I know He knows this is hard on us. And I know that, if we keep praying, and asking we will recieve another healthy baby with no complications and a wonderful pregnancy. Then we always have to look foward to! Heaven, and our other babies up there! A large family. :)
So Tim is working hard, I am going to work hard on relaxing, exercising, singing with James because he stinking loves it, and reading my Bible and praying more. I am not sure what the dr will say, but I figure we have three months to work on this. I just have to keep asking God if that's ok and make sure it isnt too soon. OOO who would have guessed being a grown up was so heart wrenching and complicated. I never in a million years thought I'd be 24 praying to God for one more healthy baby and no more miscarriages. I guess life is funny like that. Wouldn't get through it with out God, Tim and James. that is for sure!

Tell your loved ones you love them. We aren't promised tomorrow. And for those of you who have snow! Enjoy it :)

One day I'll hold you

How can I say good bye,
If I never got to say hello?

How can I let you go,
If I never had a hold?

How can I watch you grow,
If you are in heaven watching me?

How can you know I love you,
When you don't even know me?

All daddy, James and I wanted,
Was to see your smiling face.

All daddy, James and I wanted,
Was to call you by name.

I suppose Jesus wanted it more,
Just like your brothers and sisters up there.

I hope you all will stick together,
Will love eachother and care for another.

I am sure heaven is wonderful.
I am sure it is grand.

I can't imagine what it must be like,
To actually hold Jesus' hand.

To see a place so bright,
And full of life and love.

I pray everynight,
Everyday,
All the time.

That you know how much we love you.
How much we wanted you.
All.

You'll see up there you have at least 3 siblings,
One I imagine looks like James.

You'll see two others we know of,
Those we have already picked out their name.

We picked out yours as well.
As soon as we knew you were there in my tummy.

We love you all,
And miss you all more than you'll ever  know.

In heaven you don't feel sorrow or loss,
So how could you know?

I just pray God the Father,
Whom has adopted you,

Will tell you all of us.
Of Daddy, James and me.

Daddy is a wonderful man,
He works very hard for us.

He loves ferociously,
And he is so funny!

James is wonderful.
He is so full of love and life.

James loves to play with cars,
and loves to eat chocolate.

I am your mommy.
I like to play outside.

I love the smell of flowers,
and I love being a  mom.

I love being your daddy's wife,
and playing with James all day.

I hope that God will tell you all about us.

That you wont forget us,
and that you will one day love us.

Because babies,
All of you.

We think about you every day.

We love you more than life itself.

Maybe that's why God took you away?

I don't want to say Good bye.
I don't want to let you go.

So I guess we will just pray every day,
for Jesus to say hello.

Give Jesus a hug every day,
and think of us.

And look foward to the day,
whenever that may be.

That we will be there to hug you all,
and personally tell you we love you.


(dedicated to our babies in heaven Aiden Alexzander/Chloe Elizabeth, Jared Bradley/Hazel Marie, Liam Zachery/Lydia Ann, Auron Jerimiah/Ellie Rose)

waiting and more waiting

I hate waiting like this it is driving me nuts.
I am going to wait to start running when my levels are down, have to wait to next wednesday to get my draw and see where they are at. Jan 15thish I go to do more blood work to look at homrones clots and I am going to ask her to check my folic acid. After that, I will see what she says, but not matter what she says will give my body 3 to 4 cycles to get back on track.
It is all just lots and lots and lots of waiting, which  I hate more than anything. I usually don't have a problem being patient but the more miscarriages we have the more impatient I get. I told Tim I am def gonna start running again, painting, and writing. All of that should help me destress, which is important and might have been a factor. I also think one half glass of red wine once or twice a week may help to, before we start again. Blah. I am 24 and this is so frustrating. I have a beautiful healthy boy we'd love to give a sibling, and my body is not wanting to do the one thing it should naturally do because I am a female. Talk about degrading and failing. I hope that God will hear our prayers, and help us to stay calm and patient while we figure this out. and I really hope that God searches our hearts and sees we are staying faithful to him, and that we want to grow our family. Being a mom to James is so amazing, it's seriously wonderful. Don't stop there God, please.

So I guess all I can do for the next couple months is, try to relax, eat healthy, stay active. Play with James and give him way too many kisses. Drink lots of orange juice and try to forget about this. LOL way way way easier said than done right. For anyone out there readying this that has had multiple miscarriages in a row, stay tuned and hopefully at the end of this I will have hope for you. Keep praying and keep leaning on God. He knows what is best and will always do what is best. We will get through this together.

Destressing

Well, this holiday was odd. It was so exciting and so beautiful to share with James. I really enjoyed that. But we have lost many loved ones this year so it was hard, as well as we miscarried our third this year, the friday right before Christmas. So there's that. It's been rough.
I go to the dr on the 15th to start doing blood tests to check stuff like hormones, clotting, and folic acid. Praying it is something simple like hormones.
In the meantime, I really really really need to start finding ways to de stress. I am starting to write and work on my books again that will help. I am reading the hobbit again, that will help. Trying to pray and read my Bible more. That helps. Working on singing praise and worhsip more. That helps. I am also thinking. I need to be finding more crafty activities James and I can do at home. I love doing stuff with James so I know that will help. Going to start running again next week. I'll start getting up early and running while James is asleep before Tim leaves for work. And. I am thinking I should start painting and drawing again. And, maybe a half a cup of wine once a week? Red I suppose is best health wise?? Idk. But all of this, hopefully, will help lower my stress levels and make it easier on me in general and in terms of concieving later on in the year when the dr gives us the ok.
Yick. Something has to work right? I am excited to do crafts with James, running, and painting :) It'll be good for me. And if it is good for mommy it is good for the whole house.

Praying Jesus gets us through and will bless us soon.

Hug your babies and your loved ones today. In the end all that really matters is love. That's what life is, love and memories of love.

:(

I know it is Christmas eve, and we should be super excited. But I am not. I am happy and thankful.that we have James even though he doesn't understand Christmas and really doesn't anticipate anything. Still so thankful each day i get to hold him and.love and see how healthy he is. We had our third miscarriage this weekend. I can't explain the hurt the anger the sadness the frustration. We want James to have a sibling one of.close age. I love my brother and Tim loves his sisters but we both wish we would have been closer in age so we could have enjoyed.more of growing up together. 3 in a row all between 4-6 weeks. I am trying.to be happy because it is Christmas. I need to be happy to enjoy it for and with James. He is so wonderful such a blessing. Not like we didn't love and appreciate him before but after all this and him surviving a.miscarried twin, he really is a miracle. We love him and are praying and begging God we can find answers with the Dr Wednesday and a healthy pregnancy soon.

Hug your babies and tell them you love them. And thank God for them. They are not just a blessing but also a miracle.

Petals On My Heart

I think , and I have been thinking about it for a while, I am going to finish my books. Of course, that means starting with the first one and not skipping to my favorite parts in the second one lol. I think it is completely reasonable to allow myself this alone time, maybe once or twice a week for an hour or two. I mean who knows, I could get them done and published in a year or two. We need a new good fantasy series anyways. Merh, Gonna have to make sure I start writing properly, punctuation and all that fun stuff! Good thing I have Amanda to help me with it. Well wish me luck. Oh and obviously I am taking up blogging again. Life is short. There are many petals in my heart that have many words and emotionsthat need to be expressed to form the beautiful flower that is me. 
Thnking about it, I don't know what will happen next week or two years from now. But if I can have words down, dumb or important, but words that were mine, for James and Tim to hang onto if they needed it. That'd be nice right?  Life is short and stuff happens. In the end all we have are letters and pictures and memories. We have to take it upon ourselves to leave stuff for our loved ones to hold on to. I love writing in a journal, but it tends to be mostly pictures when I am done lol. So. There's that. The serious part of why I need to blog.
 The not serious part is, it is just nice to word vomit on something. Plain and simple.

Hug someone today and tell them you  love them.