Percy the dinosaur slayer

We had to send pepper to heaven in july. She was sick. She was 14. I miss her still very deeply.  She was my best friend my baby i love her. And i miss her every day.
I thought we'd wait a while to get a new dog. How could i possibly love some other dog while hurting so badly.
But i do and we did. He needed a home. East st louis is not a safe place for anyone,  particularly animals.
We have a pup.  He is a mutt. Pitt and lab we think. He is hyper and hilarious.  Loves thw boys very much. Love us. I dont love him the same. Because he isn't the same. I still love pep and misa her.
It is so nice having a dog though and he really needed a home.
And i needed a dog. Sleeping at night without one bothered me beyond words. Id literally walk to the door to let a dog out even when pepper was gone. There was food everywhere.  Apparently james is notorious for taking a bite and putting it down.  Who knew? Pepper lol
Percy is a great dog. He was very calm as a baby pup. Lol and that passed quickly.  Once he started to feel safe. Got regular food and water. He really started to perk up lol.
He loves to play with the boys and they love him ♡ he also loves dinosaurs.  James will be getting new dinosaurs Christmas as we have lost a great many of them to Percy thw dinosaur slayer.
(Yes we named him after percy Jackson as we already have a sirius and no other hp name fit lol)

azure dreams come true

As I gave into those beautiful dreams
My hope
My life
Complete

If only i could swim in their innocence
Be covered in the sweetness
That flows out of them

How we longed
And prayed
For these
Beautiful azure pools
The wonderful
Hues of blue

That are your eyes
Our boys
My sons

Full of life and love
Hopes and dreams
A future
Held in the palm of our creator

How amazing and in awe
Am I
That He trusted me with
Such beautiful eyes

Souls
People
You will both grow up
And be men

It is happening before my eyes

How quickly
A baby fades
To a toddler
To a boy

One day a man
 My sons

With thick flowing hair
Strong hands
Already

That boyish facade
Will whisper away
Like the baby
Who disappears
In broad daylight

Those tiny noses
The gentle coos
The soft i love you

My boys

The sweet moments
Of hearing you sleep
The angelic face as you dream

And then you open those eyes
Those big beautiful
Crystal clear
Blue fountains of life

Oh how i love you
How much hope and joy
Peace and meaning
Answered prayers

You and you
My boys

Mommy loves you

Complicated

Ok. So mental health is a serious condition.  It should be taken seriously.  It is sad that in our society it is more of a joke and a made up weakness.

Fake. Doing it for attention.  They should just get over it. You can stop whenever you want. You need to grow up. Immature. Selfish.

Post partume. Bipolar.  Depression.  Post traumatic stress disorder.  Anxiety.  Suicide.  Not fake.

Hurtful things that people who dont suffer mental illness say. I've been guilty too.

I have had panic attacks.  I struggle with anorexia.  It is a struggle Ill have for the reat of my life. Sometimes I can forg it and other times it is a daily fight to eat. It's all in my head.

It is easy to forget how complicated the mind is, and how powerful it is. While it is super easy for me to recover from a panic attack and not have anxiety and depression daily, I do struggle with my self esteem.  I cant just tell myself Im pretry and not fat and accept that. Much like my husband can't just tell his anxiety that there is no reason to worry so stop.

Of course we have faith in God and Jesus and know that He can and will help us through this. We also know that God gave us resources like councelors ect.

As Ive been on the hunt seeing what our insurance covers and finding drs for us, I'm finding soo many places. Places like blah blah wellspring of blah for mental health. There are so many mental health resources and centers near us. And I am angry. I have many dear friends and family members that struggle with bipolar depression and anxiety.  Why are these places not being used more? Im really upset at how not well known the resources are known. How can they be utilized beforehand, before crisis, if no one knows about them.

I want to help in our area, and I think awareness is where it needs to start.

Cant sleep

I love that our windows are open. I really hope we can move to a home where we can set up a fire pit. I tend to like to be in the front yard mkre than the back. So we are looking for houses with nice fwnced back yard and semi private ish front yard. Ill just have to get lots lf shrubs or something lol
Anyway im so excited it is fall. I was blessed and went shopping for my bday with my dad to get new shoes and a sweater.  I love sweaters. Im getting yarn for hilkarys mom so she can make me a ravenclaw scarf and a grey hat. James is getting a gryffindor sp hat lol. I loove fall. I wish it lasted wayyy longer.
It is gorgeous outside and i love the crisp mornings!  We will be going to the zoo with mel soon and the mo gardens with shawna. Tim said he wants to take the boys to the zoo on a weekend again too. Apple picking.  We will do that too and the pumpkin farm!! Ohhh how i love fall. Pumpkin bread and butternut squash. Guys. I really love fall.
Ive been thinking hard abojt it too. I think my next blog ill have points and everything lol, about fall traditions. It is in fact up to tim and I what traditions we want for our family, for our boys.  It is such an awesome feeling knowing we get to start something so precious as family tradition. 
What are some things you love to do?

And dont give up hope.

Life can be pretty down at times. It is overwhelming.  It is hard. It is repetitive.  Many people work to provide for a life , and in return dont get to experience life.
I have a really full plate right now. Life is hectic.  But hope. Always hope.
I really am trying to figure out how and where to start something for mental health in the area I live. My husband suffers anxiety and depression (and ptsd after my hospital experience).  It can be debilitating.  He is amazing and strong. He has no idea. I hope one day he sees himself like I do. I hope one day I can see him like He does.
Hope there is that word again.
We are having issues with James school, so we want to move. Which means selling this house buying a new one. It means a job transfer.  Something we have been praying for for years. But I always trust that God is listening.  His timing is perfect.  My hope is placed in the right one.
Hope. Trust. You cant trust God too much. You cant have too much faith, and you can't tell God there is never hope. There is always hope. Not how we want. Maybe not how we like. But He is always there right? He said He is. So He is. So there is always hope.
I'm embarking on a big journey.  Finishing and publishing my books. That itself is overwhelming.  I have tims support though. Hope. That puffs me up full of hope and drive.
I know that if I strive to do these things, I can. If I don't there will be some good outcome learning experiences something.
Life is not what we make it, but life is full of hope and beauty.  Keep God in the center lf it and watch what He does. Some days I dont get to read my bible. Because I didnt make enough effort.  How amazing is it that I have hope for a better tomorrow than today. I can always hope for myself to do better.  I can try and keep trying.
Hope really is pretty neat.
Please dont stop hoping for your better tomorrow or today. Jesus is hope and with Him all things are possible ♡

Part 1 of 3 : my hubby

I am so sick with a tummy virus today that my husband stayed home. He was up all night wjth me helping with the kids and with me. He himself is not feeling great, but he is ok.
I am so thankful.  He let me take a nap and watched the kids. He went and got me soup and Gatorade.  It doesn't seem like a lot but I can't even get to the door.  It is days like today that I remember how blessed I am. I know every day I am blessed.  I need to convey that more to him. We have been through so much. I don't even know where to start. I'm not even sure I can finish our srory in 3 parts lol. I honestly could write a book about our story.

So I guess I will start in 4th grade.

In fourth grade I had a teacher going through an almost divorce,  is the way I understood it. I went to a private school.  She told the whole class one day, to pray.  She said to pray that when we did marry, that we married the right person the first time. That we would marry the person God made for us. So I did. I prayed. Every day. I did because, I was raised in an unstable home. I at a very young age understood how important a stable loving family was. I wanted one. The only way I'd ever get one was going to have me as the the wife, the mother, not the daughter. So I prayed.

I qent through life. Boyfriends here and there. Some serious some not.  Some where fun , other's were learning experiences.  None were real love. You don't know real love until it happens.  And when it happens.  Wow. It hits you like a hurricane. But it starts out of the blue. Like a freak storm you were not prepared for.

We had a mutual friend. I worked with said friend and McDonald's.  Friend brought guy through drive thru.  He thought I was cute. I don't remember him. Friend helped him get a job there. I called him todd for two weeks. I ignored his name tag. I couldn't stand him. He was an annoying and over confident.  I had no ideathat hewljld be my best friend,  my husband,  my lover, my companion,  the father of my children.  They guy God made for me. The guy God made me for.  No idea. Not a clue.

We closed together one night. I was ignoring him as usual.  Being a total b word to him. On purpose.  He was using said friends mp3 player.  He was listening to AC/DC. I love them. For the record,  our song is "You Shook Me All Night Long" that is my ringtone for him today.  I can't change it. Ever.
So we talked about music. We about video games. We talked abouts sports. Hook line and sinker. I was head over heels and I had no idea.

We went on double datws with friend. We went to kovies with friend and just us. We hung out at friends house. I was terrified to bring him home. My family for sure would scare him away.

I called said friend one night. I had no idea future husband was there.  Not a clue. I asked so many questions! Favorite movies color car food drink song game everything I didn't find out husband was there and heard that phone call until after we were married.  Husband said that phone call made him interested for a date. A real one. And so we both fell. Fast. Hard. I mean so fast that 3 months in we knew we where getting married. We were picking oit names for our kids. Hurricane.  It was just starting.  We had no idea the up hill battle we were about to embark on.

It was worth it.  I'd do it all over again. 

Life is too precious

Life is so beautiful. It is so fragile. We take it for granted. That hurts me. Deeply.
    You can turn on the news any time of day and see murder left and right. No respect for life. Something so fragile  lost. At the drop of a hat. For what? Religion? Peace? Silence?A statement? Peace? None but love is a worthy cause. None but love. Love to save a life. Love to preserve a life. No one life is more significat than another, but I can see love as a just cause to lay down a life.
It is not a secret, but I have not talked a lot about it. I almost died. It is something I have to live with every day. It affects my every day. My husband has to dealwith ptsd.He almost lost me, and it damn near killed him. It very much hurt him, and now we have to over come anxiety every day. (Please pray or him)
I get extra emotional about stuff now. James started preschool. That is hard enough. Throw  in apanic attack , because I almost wasnt here to see it. Seriously. Titus birthdayis coming up, mine is comingup, christmas, anniversary. These things I almost did not see. Every day I have here is a gift.
Everyday is not easy. Sometimes with my husbands anxiety I feel like my life is a burden not a gift. Sometimes it hurts. You get your feelings hurt, and it hurts worse. It hurts worse, because that gift seems to wear off for others quickly.They forget the realness of it quickly. They forget what it was like. I dont.I cant. Every day i wake up I am like I a still here. I am so thankful. So thankful. I am learning that a lot of people dont know what itmeans to truly be thankful. They dont know what it means to really value life.
Ive lost family and friendsto suicide. It breaks my heart anyways. After quickly fading to hardly alive and bleeding nearly to death after having Titus, it now hurts more. Worse. Harder. All the time.  I wantso badly to just hand life back. We only get one.
I also have a hard time with it. My mother has attempted suicide more times than i can recall. She tried yeserday. I almost lost her. It is a slap in the face and no matter how many times she tries, always just as scary. Our  system for mental health in this country is a joke. I ave seen and experienced so much.It is a facct. Mental health in this country is not taken seriously.
I have friends and family trying and winning the battle of mental health. I have friends and family that lost it.
I am still here (my near death experience had nothing to do with mental health my body failed me during delivery of titus) bui am still here.  I am going to start a campaign. A charity. For mental health. Bipolar. Depression.anxiety.suicide. Our health is important. Your life is important. Dont let anyone make you feel like it isnt. Even on your darkest day, you are alive, and that is beautiful.

If I saw myself

.There are many days where I stare at my husband in awe. Days where I look at my boys and tear up. Because I love them. With every fiber of me, I love them.
Today my husband said dont stretch like that in front of me when the boy's are awake. I looked at him like what? Ew. Ew because of me. Because of my body. Because of my c section.  The baby weight.  12 lbs. 12 horrible nasty pounds, which really look like 20 on me.
I said ew because I dont understand how anyone could find me attractive.  Beautiful. I am bombarded with pictures of moms who "got it back" quickly after a baby. I was one of them after James.  But after 3 miscarried children and a traumatic birth, an emergency hysterectomy,  struggles with breastfeeding. .. I find that I dont recognize my body. I find that it is hard to find myself under all of that weight. My happy. My self confidence.  It seems to have really taken a beating.
And I feel awdul for it. I feel like I am telling my husband he is ridiculous for loving me. Finding me attractive l he is amazing and I know he wouldn't lie to me.
I feel like I am calling God a liar. He isn't capable of making something,  someone in his image that is not beautiful.  Awe inspiring.
It is going to take me a long time to let go of the self hate amd learn to self love, something I've never done well.
I'm sure you may be wondering what my husband said when I said ew. I also said why. How is this attractive as I held my stretch marked fat around my belly.
What he said made me cry and feel ashamed. Ashamed for only thinking about myself , seeing nothing about myself.
He told me that I am beautiful.  That he loves me. That he prayed for me. That I am the mother of his children.  I am his best friend. That he waits to come home to me. He said so much that I can't even remember it all. He said he loves my body because it carried his babies and grew them. He talked about God he talked about us he talked about them. All of this that he sees when he sees and thinks of me.
Nothing that I see or think of when I see me. He doesn't see 12 lbs of stubborn weight that is probably hormones that wont come off until titus weans. He doesn't see stretch marks.  He doesn't love handles. He sees the woman God gave him. An answer to his prayers. The mother and wife God allowed him to keep. The woman he fought for, the horrible girl driver that is his best friend.
I need to find her. I want to see her when I stand infront of the mirror. 
I can only hope and pray that God can mold me into the image he sees. That my boys and my husband have a mother and wife who loves them, and herself. I think that's important.  Society today just knocks us down. We beat ourselves up so much and then turn on a tv or read a magazine.  But I should be reading their faces, their voices, their body language, and my Bible. Because from that I'll find the truth. In them I will be able to see myself.  In loving them maybe I can learn to love myself.

The what's are never ending

I want to get back to blogging.  I want an orgnized blog. I could potentially blog for a living. I would love that. As it is in today's society journalism is bekng molded. I love journalism.  Opinion pieces, hard news, soft newsm weather. I simply love it. So where do I start. What do I do. What do I write about. How do I figure out what to write about. How do I stay organized when I am scatter brained. Advice qanted. Direction wanted. Input needed.
What would you like to learn about?  We could totally take a jourmey together over the Internet,  but where to and what about. How do I keep you satisfied?  Eventually youd get tired of hearing about my beautiful boys lol :p
Input needed.

As my dreams shattered, God's grace was enough

 My name is Rachel Lawhon. I am currently 25, and a mother to two beautiful boys. My oldest son,James, was born on June 2nd 2011. He was six weeks early, and his birth was traumatic. Aside from the two week NICU stay, our experience at the hospital was terrifying. I have nightmares about it. I have a lot of guilt about it. I have a lot of regret, and I feel like we were robbed of what could have been a better birthing experience. I feel like as first time parents we blindly went to the hopsital and completely trusted too much. We did not do any research about medicine or procedure. I was not for or against a c section, because the most research I had done about our new life on the way was mostly about car seats and laundry detergent. James is now a very healthy large almost 3 year old.

   After James was home we never questioned anything, we just were happy to be home. After we got pregnant with Titus, I started having panic attacks. I was so terrified to back to the hospital. I started looking for other options. Should we go out of state was something that came up (by the way MO hospitals are so much, incredibly so , better than IL hospitals. We are now aware of this.) We were not sure what our options were with our insurance. I started looking into other things like home birth and midwives. My ob has a midwife in her office. Home birth was something we were not comfortable with so we went to a meeting at the birth and wellness center. I was immediately in love. I had been praying about it and talking to God about help because I would not have my baby in that scary place. My husband and I talked about it. Weighed the pros and cons. Pros being how peaceful, personal, loving, and respectful it was. The people who work at the birth center value the process of birthing as something God created. Cons were of course what IF something goes wrong. What IF we need medical intervention. The center assured us that they were very close to a VERY good hospital. We agreed. This was the place for us,

    Prenatal visits were something I looked forward to. Something  I was really excited about. I loved being at the center. I loved all the information we would get, the wonderful care, as well as the encouragement to educate ourselves on birth. My son James loved coming and felt right at home in the center. I loved the option that he could be there are the birth with us if we wanted.

    My water broke around 8 p.m. on Saturday November 9th 2013. We were at the birth center by 9 p.m. The contractions came on so strong and so close together we were sure I'd have this baby in my arms by midnight. Aside from the real pain of labor everything was going okay. At some point though I started feeling an odd sensation and pain on my left hip, and like something was really really wrong. Titus head was not dropping into the birth canal. We decided to go to the hospital. I think it was around 3 or 4 a.m. I'd like to make a point that the care we recieved at the birth center, regardless of the fact that Titus was born via c section, was amazing. If we could have more children I would want to go back to the birth center. The midwives came with me to the hospital. Helped me there. Talked me through what was happening and made sure I understood what was happening. They helped me feel like I had a say in what was happening as much as I could. With our oldest son, we had no say in anything at all. We had no idea what was going on. The nurses, drs, and midwives worked together to help us do what was best for Titus. 

   After trying and trying he just would not come.My labor stalled. Pitocin was given. I did not make it to 10cm. My cervix started swelling. Titus was not in the birth canal, and he was also O.P. Eventually we had to get a c section. The dr was really nice about it. He worked  with us to try to avoid a c section. He also was really nice about the midwives being there and talking everything over with me. I can not stress enough how much I appreciate that. It meant the world to us, that they were working together for us.

    The c section went well. Aside from me being so scared I was shaking and crying, it went just fine. My husband even got the dr to laugh when they pulled Titus out and he said to the room "Look, he has 6 toes!" He doesn't by the way, five toes per foot. After the c section it gets really blurry. I have a hard time remembering. I also feel like I fill in the gaps with information people like my husband, the nurses, the midwives, the dr ect have given me. I remember being really tired. I remember them putting Titus in the bed next to me. He was perfect. He was 9 pounds and 12 ounces. He smelled amazing. That new baby smell, that gets your hormones all happy. He was so soft.He was adorable. He had a long day too. I remember someone coming to get him. I don't know where they took him. I remember my husband had to run home because he had poison ivy and had left his medicine at home. We thought I'd be fine for an hour or two. I remember my sister in law came in with James to give me a kiss, I think before Titus was taken to the other room or nursery? I remember there were A LOT of nurses in and out of the room. Too many. It sounded like everyone was whispering. They kept asking me my name, and how old I was. When is your birthday?I was trying to understand why they were giving me blood. They kept pressing on my stomach. It hurt for a while, but after a while I did not feel much of anything. I remember it got really cold. I remember it got dark. It was like I was looking through tiny slits. I could not see the whole picture of what I was looking at. I could barely see the nurse next to me. I remember hearing my husbands voice. I remember hearing the dr ask my husbands permission to do a surgery. Something about how I was going to die if they did not do it. They needed permission though because it was against the hospitals policy as a religious hospital. I don't remember anything after my husband told the dr it was ok to do the surgery. I needed to live.

    I spent a couple days in the icu. I spent a few days in the rooms on the labor and delivery floor. I had 7 blood transfusions total. But my family is safe and healthy. It is sad that we can no longer have any children, but this is God's plan. If we are to have more, we will adopt. We do not regret going to the birth center. I know it was God's plan. The hospital we were taken to by the midwives was hands down the best hospital we have ever been to. While the whole experience was quite scary, we understand how rare it is.We are more than anything just grateful. We are thankful for the connections we made, the wonderful people we met, and the wonderful care we had at both the birth center and the hospital. A birth experience is very important. Ours has shaped our family in many ways, both good and bad. We were in the right spot though, God took care of us. 

   I think that if we can learn anything from our experience, it is that birth is important to the individuals involved. There is not a one shoe fits all scenario. I think that drs and midwives can work together well to make a family feel comfortable and heard during their birth experience, as well as in a safe environment that medical intervention is there if needed. 

 (I was asked to write my experience as well as I could remember for the birth center, for a bill. This is what i wrote)

It is hard to wrap my head and heart around it sometimes. Sometimes it really hurts. I am sad that regardless of the measure I took I was unable to have a normal birth. Both births of my boys were beyond difficult. We had four miscarriages. Creating life like my body was made to, what females are made to do, was never easy or natural for me :( it is sad and hard to understand. But I am trying very hard to be thankful. I am thankful that unlike Rachel from the Bible, I am still here. God's grace was more than enough. He let me live. I get to be a mother here on earth to my flesh and blood, and I will also be a mother to these boys and our other children in heaven. I am beyond words thankful for that.

I would like to add that, I have a very close friend that had a healthy beautiful unmedicated birth at the birth center. I am very happy for her! I am very for happy healthy natural births. Not everyone's body is broken. I do feel like mine is broken. I am now missing a uterus that never seemed to function :( But I by countless miracles, was able to carry two big strong healthy boys.

and by many more miracles, Tim and I will raise these boys to God's glory.

Layers and Layer

I think I am ready to start talking about Titus birth. It was traumatic, but I want to.
my flippin laptop is not working well with me when I type. So I probably wont start on it until this weekend when i can find the mouse. But I am going to do it :)
also we started cloth diapering and i would like to write that soon as well as amber teething necklaces. oh and baby wearing! not like you all did not know about this about me before but I am a tree huggin hippy. lol. or at least as much as we can afford. ill be getting into that too. FOOD.
so i guess my goal is to start blogging once a week. and to really get into some topics. some personal like our birth and breastfeeding, and some spiffy stuff like babywearing and cloth diapers. I really want to get my blog organized this year.
I definitely need to figure out to fix this stupid keyboard issues. i have to fix like every sentence because it jumps me around. it is so annoying and honestly the mail reason i have not blogged in a while. i am running low on marbles as it is lol.

I miss my blog

So busy with two beautiful boys.  But I miss blogging. I need to make a routine so I can work out then blog and stick to it! I also need to stick to reading my Bible wvery day. I have been praying more. Pray for me! I'M TRYING.  ♡♡♡

Need to catch up!

Holy goodness.  So behind! We had titus nov 10. James is getting big. Titus is 2m now! Lots of snow! Ill try to get back to blogging tonight