So I went and got blood taken for thyroid, and that is good which is great considering how many people in my family have problems with that. My progesterone was low. It was at a 5 instead of a 10 like it should have been. There is the problem!! and here is the answer, I have to take progesterone every month after my cycle when I get a positive ovulation. This is something I can do at home! This is something that will change the outcome of our pregnancies!!
I now have answers to what was going on. I feel so much better. I am so so so so a million times thankful God was able to show us what was up with everything. I think it is so amazing, that even though we were praying and had no idea what was going on that God did, and is taking care of it. I find it so crazy cool that even though progesterone testing was not on the list the dr gave me, I thought to ask for it and there we have it. God really really was working with me, and I didn't even know.
I am so thankful. I am so thankful for James. Now knowing this, even though through all of the other stuff we knew James was a miracle, this just amplifies it. Now I know why we lost the twin, now I know why we lost the others. Now I know, and I can have peace that God gave me when I didn't know, and peace in knowing. I can not explain how much better this makes me feel, and the hope.
I had hope and trust in God, but He knows I am a visual person, this is something I can put on paper and see and understand. This is something I can use to show and prove that God is there, He really is even when we don't feel like it or understand.
O, so much peace and comfort and hope.
AND! My big boy James pooed on the potty today! I am so proud of him. What a big guy what a smart boy, what a miracle!!
And we can add to our family, give him someone to play with someone to share his life with.
Thank you father God, thank you Jesus. Thank you for not giving up on me, when I was. And thank you everyone for the prayers. :)
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
That's all she wrote.
So I went in today and got blood drawn. Lab nurse said the results will be in tomorrow. When I get results tomorrow I will also ask for the antibiotic the dr recommended that Tim and I both take, so we can start on those. Other than that, depending on what these two test the progesterone and the thyroid, what they say or don't say will be how we proceed. Either we proceed with the meds I'll need, or we say well I am ok and we proceed. So. That's all she wrote. We will just keep praying and thanking God for the child we have and the one we are hoping is in His will to bless us with.
Other than that! What's going on ?? Weather has been a bit nutty. And James really really likes strawberry banana smoothies, alot. I loved watching him take lil sips cus it was cold, but was so anxious to drink it :) O and I made a new red sauce for pasta. Got the recipe online and on tv from Helen Cavallo's that's fresh. It calls for wine, and let me just say, not cooking wine. It makes quite a difference. Packs a whole new kinda punch on it. I liked it alot. I am going to make turkey meatballs later this week, with spaghetti squash. That is gonna be yummy :)
Hope eveeryone is having a good day. And staying safe in this weather. Ours is calling for strong thunderstorms and tornados. So ya. Anywho, not much left that I can think to say...? O I ran on monday not today but will tomorrow :) Feels great to feel better and to be exercising !!!
O and James and I are going out to Colorado on feb 22-24 so that is really exciting!!! :) And Amanda is gonna bring her anatomy and microbiology books over so I can help her study soon, I am excited to learn some new stuff and help her.
Im done now lol promise.! lol
Other than that! What's going on ?? Weather has been a bit nutty. And James really really likes strawberry banana smoothies, alot. I loved watching him take lil sips cus it was cold, but was so anxious to drink it :) O and I made a new red sauce for pasta. Got the recipe online and on tv from Helen Cavallo's that's fresh. It calls for wine, and let me just say, not cooking wine. It makes quite a difference. Packs a whole new kinda punch on it. I liked it alot. I am going to make turkey meatballs later this week, with spaghetti squash. That is gonna be yummy :)
Hope eveeryone is having a good day. And staying safe in this weather. Ours is calling for strong thunderstorms and tornados. So ya. Anywho, not much left that I can think to say...? O I ran on monday not today but will tomorrow :) Feels great to feel better and to be exercising !!!
O and James and I are going out to Colorado on feb 22-24 so that is really exciting!!! :) And Amanda is gonna bring her anatomy and microbiology books over so I can help her study soon, I am excited to learn some new stuff and help her.
Im done now lol promise.! lol
Friday, January 25, 2013
Unsure
Today, everything that was to work out, did not, and everything went wrong. But, trying to keep my hair in and be thankful that God is here to help me through it all.
Wasn't able to fix the faucet, but Jamie and I sure did try! Didn't get all of my errends ran, but I will do more tomorrow and am thankful I have a car and am able to do it. (still trying to stay positive) I know it could have been a way worse day, but I just felt a bit frazzled from the get go today.
But that is ok. God made me human, and that is what I am. I love Him through it, and He gets me through it.
Anyways, had a dr apt. Didn't get to take a proper culture so I am going back on the 29th for a culture, and the blood work for progesterone and thyroid.
So here's where I am at. I have no problem getting pregnant (so far Thank you Jesus) but it is keeping a viable pregnancy. I hate that word or the combination of. A baby is a baby is a baby doesn't matter if it is for a minute or 6 weeks or 7 months. Anyways, so here's the thing. I wont be going on birth control, I don't see the point of it especially with us wanting the blessing of a baby. I don't actually ever see myself going on birth control again. I do not agree with it personally for me, because it did not agree too long with my body. It was ok the first id say 3 years I was on it from 17- to almost 20. Then I ended up having problems, it was not helping with cramps, my periods weren't staying regular and I was in general feeling sick a lot. So i switched brands from loestrin 24 to junelle. I tried that for a while, it seemed to help. I took it until the spring after we got married. I started feeling way more sick and again irregular and cramping way way way too bad. I officially stopped buying them and even trying to take one here and there in june 2009 (and I actually took them from august after james till april then had to stop again they werent helping and i was so tired of feeling sick). I was way too done, and Tim and I were on the same page. Why put hormones in your body to stop your body from doing what it was supposed to, I was past the point of horrible break outs and since it was not helping with cramps which is why I started in the first place, why at all. I sometimes wonder if the birth control is why we are having problems now, if my body has a hard time sorting out the hormones jobs and levels. Not that it does this to everyone, but it just didnt seem to agree with me. Then there is the whole, well uhm, not sure how to word with out tmi. I have a muscle condition in my lady parts which makes other types of birth controls not an option. too painful. not like bite it and get over it painful, but cry and be in pain for days. So.
This leaves me in an unsure area. If we need to wait so long to have another baby, how long and how. And then after we have another baby God willing, what do we do then. Should I tie my tubes? Am I too young to make a decision like that, or considering the complications thus far, would it spare us pain and suffering? Would we be going against Gods will. Would it be ok? What if 7 years from now we wanted to try again. These are heavy questions that I really don't have the answer to and when Tim and I talk about it, we don't really come up with much. We both agree God will take care of it and help us make the right decisions of when and what to do, but it isn't like He just mails us an outline. How do we know we will do this right and not mess up. So complicated, so serious.
How do you know know it is Gods will, and you are doing it? How do you know know it is Gods timing. And how on earth, would He tell us?
So this is where I am at. Pretty unsure and determined. Determined to have a better realtionship with God. Tim and I are really trying to keep God in the middle of it all. Determined to be a better spouses, both of us just want to be the best us for us. Determined to be better parents, after all our son deserves better than we will ever be able to give him. He really is amazing. Determined to have another child, for all of us, because James needs a sibling, we want a larger family, we always wanted a big family, always. 3 months into dating Tim and I had baby names picked out and how many kids we wanted to have. 3 months into dating, I knew he was it. I knew there was nothing or no one out there that I wanted more. I was only wrong on one occassion, now there is no one out there more important that our son.
This is so hard and so complicated. I feel so young and old at the same time. How do we deal with this and know we are making the right decisions. Is it weird if I am not stressed about it. Just way past ready to get the next baby here and healthy. Way past ready to watch James hold his sibling and say my baby. Not ready to let my dream of more than one child here with us die. I have been praying that God would give us the desires of our hearts, and that he would direct our wants and thoughts. This whole wanting another baby, another person, another Tim and Rachel Lawhon, not going away not at all.
I know these blogs are really centered around another baby and what we are going through with all of this. But There is so much more to our thoughts and lives. I just find when I sit down and think when my head can be empty, this is what I think about. This is what my heart cries out for. God, my heart cries out for a bigger family. Another healthy pregnancy, on your time not ours. Just tell me when please. That's where my head goes, right to my heart and that's what is in there rolling around.
But my goodness lately, I find myself praying all day and a lot. Not just for a baby, that comes up alot. But thanking God for a healthy James, and healthy Tim, and for a healthier me. Asking for help others when they need it, thanking Him for whatever the day brings. I pray a lot about Tim and James. I pray a lot about God making me a better me. There's always room for improvement. I can always find something about me to do better stronger or softer more loving or more stern. Something. And thanking God for helping me not to be so stressed.
Trust. I am learning to trust God and be at peace in a whole new way.
Wasn't able to fix the faucet, but Jamie and I sure did try! Didn't get all of my errends ran, but I will do more tomorrow and am thankful I have a car and am able to do it. (still trying to stay positive) I know it could have been a way worse day, but I just felt a bit frazzled from the get go today.
But that is ok. God made me human, and that is what I am. I love Him through it, and He gets me through it.
Anyways, had a dr apt. Didn't get to take a proper culture so I am going back on the 29th for a culture, and the blood work for progesterone and thyroid.
So here's where I am at. I have no problem getting pregnant (so far Thank you Jesus) but it is keeping a viable pregnancy. I hate that word or the combination of. A baby is a baby is a baby doesn't matter if it is for a minute or 6 weeks or 7 months. Anyways, so here's the thing. I wont be going on birth control, I don't see the point of it especially with us wanting the blessing of a baby. I don't actually ever see myself going on birth control again. I do not agree with it personally for me, because it did not agree too long with my body. It was ok the first id say 3 years I was on it from 17- to almost 20. Then I ended up having problems, it was not helping with cramps, my periods weren't staying regular and I was in general feeling sick a lot. So i switched brands from loestrin 24 to junelle. I tried that for a while, it seemed to help. I took it until the spring after we got married. I started feeling way more sick and again irregular and cramping way way way too bad. I officially stopped buying them and even trying to take one here and there in june 2009 (and I actually took them from august after james till april then had to stop again they werent helping and i was so tired of feeling sick). I was way too done, and Tim and I were on the same page. Why put hormones in your body to stop your body from doing what it was supposed to, I was past the point of horrible break outs and since it was not helping with cramps which is why I started in the first place, why at all. I sometimes wonder if the birth control is why we are having problems now, if my body has a hard time sorting out the hormones jobs and levels. Not that it does this to everyone, but it just didnt seem to agree with me. Then there is the whole, well uhm, not sure how to word with out tmi. I have a muscle condition in my lady parts which makes other types of birth controls not an option. too painful. not like bite it and get over it painful, but cry and be in pain for days. So.
This leaves me in an unsure area. If we need to wait so long to have another baby, how long and how. And then after we have another baby God willing, what do we do then. Should I tie my tubes? Am I too young to make a decision like that, or considering the complications thus far, would it spare us pain and suffering? Would we be going against Gods will. Would it be ok? What if 7 years from now we wanted to try again. These are heavy questions that I really don't have the answer to and when Tim and I talk about it, we don't really come up with much. We both agree God will take care of it and help us make the right decisions of when and what to do, but it isn't like He just mails us an outline. How do we know we will do this right and not mess up. So complicated, so serious.
How do you know know it is Gods will, and you are doing it? How do you know know it is Gods timing. And how on earth, would He tell us?
So this is where I am at. Pretty unsure and determined. Determined to have a better realtionship with God. Tim and I are really trying to keep God in the middle of it all. Determined to be a better spouses, both of us just want to be the best us for us. Determined to be better parents, after all our son deserves better than we will ever be able to give him. He really is amazing. Determined to have another child, for all of us, because James needs a sibling, we want a larger family, we always wanted a big family, always. 3 months into dating Tim and I had baby names picked out and how many kids we wanted to have. 3 months into dating, I knew he was it. I knew there was nothing or no one out there that I wanted more. I was only wrong on one occassion, now there is no one out there more important that our son.
This is so hard and so complicated. I feel so young and old at the same time. How do we deal with this and know we are making the right decisions. Is it weird if I am not stressed about it. Just way past ready to get the next baby here and healthy. Way past ready to watch James hold his sibling and say my baby. Not ready to let my dream of more than one child here with us die. I have been praying that God would give us the desires of our hearts, and that he would direct our wants and thoughts. This whole wanting another baby, another person, another Tim and Rachel Lawhon, not going away not at all.
I know these blogs are really centered around another baby and what we are going through with all of this. But There is so much more to our thoughts and lives. I just find when I sit down and think when my head can be empty, this is what I think about. This is what my heart cries out for. God, my heart cries out for a bigger family. Another healthy pregnancy, on your time not ours. Just tell me when please. That's where my head goes, right to my heart and that's what is in there rolling around.
But my goodness lately, I find myself praying all day and a lot. Not just for a baby, that comes up alot. But thanking God for a healthy James, and healthy Tim, and for a healthier me. Asking for help others when they need it, thanking Him for whatever the day brings. I pray a lot about Tim and James. I pray a lot about God making me a better me. There's always room for improvement. I can always find something about me to do better stronger or softer more loving or more stern. Something. And thanking God for helping me not to be so stressed.
Trust. I am learning to trust God and be at peace in a whole new way.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Lots of news this year
I am excited to say that, after talking to tim, he is fine with us starting to switch things out for organic. I am excited that I found a farmers market close to home, and for what I can not find there I can go to dierbergs when we can afford to. I am excited to continue gathering new recipes healthier recipes and more do it your self snack stuff. I am very excited that, after watching James only want to eat what Tim eats at dinner, Tim is fine with me sending his lunches for work, as well as slowing down on soda, and eating better. I love that on Disney Jr. I can get ideas from Helen Cavallo on thats fresh. I am seriously very excited about this. And I am excited that I have a couple friends doing the same thing, organics. Not because it is cool because it is better and healthy.
It completely enrages me that healthier better food costs more than the over processed chemical crap the country lables as food. That is criminal. I feel like it should be the other way around. We have because of that, already before James even started on milk, switched to the non antibiotic non hormonal, I am assuming organic milk from farm fresh. We even get the glass containers to recycle :) I am currently on the hunt for some wooden barrels and boxes. I can not do a big garden in the back yard like my papa used to, one I do not know how to, and two, I have to dogs and a boy so far. Need that back yard for making messes and running. Anyways I have a nice flower bed on the side of the house, and if I get ahold of some barrels and boxes I can arrange them in the front yard. If the weather can be not so awful horrible hot, I am hoping to grow tomoatoes, and some herbs, and some zuccini. I am really excited :))
And I am super excited how much more active Tim has been with James. Not that Tim wasnt he has always been and always will be a wonderful dad, but James is getting to that age where they can really start to bond. It is so cute. And Tim is on board with starting potty training back up. James was doing ok, but started getting bored with it. It was around the holidays he started getting bored, so I was at the time busy and pregnant then we lost that baby and so it has been a bit overwhelming. We are ready to give it a go again :) James has been taking his diaper off again, watching us potty, and tonight he brought me his big boy undies and wanted to wear them. He of course had an accident, but he liked wearing them. After he is out of diapers from this last box, it is on to only pull ups. I think that will help alot. I feel like if he wear a diaper, he will want to potty in it so we need to change things up. Also going to make a potty chart. And just stay committed to it.
I have been praying more, I need to be reading my Bible more. I love this devotional :) and I really got to get back on track with working out once I feel better. Still feeling coldish sick, but hoping to be better soon and back on track. I love having a schedule and things to schedule. I am such a nerd lol
O also we found out that the clotting tests are like 400 out of pocket. So I am sure we are not going to do them. It is in God's hands. we will get the thyroid and pregesterone test done, otherwise it is just trying and trying and hoping and praying and believing God will take care of it.
O and if anyone has some wonderful yummy snack recipes or just recipes please leave them in the comment. I am trying to accumulate recipes :) gotta get working on the new meal plans, and get this family on a healthier track. We are doing it for all of us but mostly for James, good habbits now will help him later. I love him and want the best for him. So thankful Jesus gave us this beautiful boy that is ours, but really His.
Have a great day everyone. Hug someone, and smile alot today ::)
It completely enrages me that healthier better food costs more than the over processed chemical crap the country lables as food. That is criminal. I feel like it should be the other way around. We have because of that, already before James even started on milk, switched to the non antibiotic non hormonal, I am assuming organic milk from farm fresh. We even get the glass containers to recycle :) I am currently on the hunt for some wooden barrels and boxes. I can not do a big garden in the back yard like my papa used to, one I do not know how to, and two, I have to dogs and a boy so far. Need that back yard for making messes and running. Anyways I have a nice flower bed on the side of the house, and if I get ahold of some barrels and boxes I can arrange them in the front yard. If the weather can be not so awful horrible hot, I am hoping to grow tomoatoes, and some herbs, and some zuccini. I am really excited :))
And I am super excited how much more active Tim has been with James. Not that Tim wasnt he has always been and always will be a wonderful dad, but James is getting to that age where they can really start to bond. It is so cute. And Tim is on board with starting potty training back up. James was doing ok, but started getting bored with it. It was around the holidays he started getting bored, so I was at the time busy and pregnant then we lost that baby and so it has been a bit overwhelming. We are ready to give it a go again :) James has been taking his diaper off again, watching us potty, and tonight he brought me his big boy undies and wanted to wear them. He of course had an accident, but he liked wearing them. After he is out of diapers from this last box, it is on to only pull ups. I think that will help alot. I feel like if he wear a diaper, he will want to potty in it so we need to change things up. Also going to make a potty chart. And just stay committed to it.
I have been praying more, I need to be reading my Bible more. I love this devotional :) and I really got to get back on track with working out once I feel better. Still feeling coldish sick, but hoping to be better soon and back on track. I love having a schedule and things to schedule. I am such a nerd lol
O also we found out that the clotting tests are like 400 out of pocket. So I am sure we are not going to do them. It is in God's hands. we will get the thyroid and pregesterone test done, otherwise it is just trying and trying and hoping and praying and believing God will take care of it.
O and if anyone has some wonderful yummy snack recipes or just recipes please leave them in the comment. I am trying to accumulate recipes :) gotta get working on the new meal plans, and get this family on a healthier track. We are doing it for all of us but mostly for James, good habbits now will help him later. I love him and want the best for him. So thankful Jesus gave us this beautiful boy that is ours, but really His.
Have a great day everyone. Hug someone, and smile alot today ::)
Monday, January 21, 2013
Open Ear and Open Heart
With the horrible year we had last year, and especially this last miscarriage (3 in 6 months is more than anyones heart ever needs to go through), I was starting to feel like my prayers and my open heart were not getting to God. Or not being payed attention too. Of course, there are many more important things in the world than for our little family to expand. But lets be real people, how often do we actually think about things outside of our little world. I try to, alot. I do honestly pray for more than myself. I would hope others pray for me and my family, so of course I should do the same. We are a body of believers, and need to be lifting everyone else up. We all need it. We all hurt.
Anyways, I was feeling pretty beaten up, pretty beaten down, pretty helpless. Pretty done. I was still praying, still asking, still hurting but still believing.
Today I got a package in the mail. A pay it foward from a friend *whom shall be nameless so that God can bless her socks off* Anyways, in the box was an assortment of things for James and things for me. And something for Tim even though he doesn't realize it. The devotional, which was intended for me will help heal tim and I through a stronger relationship with God. I know it is silly, but I cried my eyes out. I cried my eyes out for so many reasons at one time. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I have been sick with a dang cold for almost two weeks, I've been tired and beaten down physically and emotionally. I have been having a hard time loving myself because I am not working out *shouldnt when you are sick*. I need to lose ten lbs no joke. I needed this pick me up so bad. I have actually been praying for a pick me up. I needed this motivation to move foward. I needed to know that even though God says He always loves us, I really needed Him to show me. I didn't need Him to part the red sea, just show me He heard me. That He hears me and knows my heart. I needed Him to show me there is still hope. That we can move foward, and it is ok for us to keep this dream in our hearts of having another child. I needed it., and I got it. Boy did I cry. It was just a lil book. Just a devotional. But in January it says on the front page for January "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 That gave me hope , hope that I so badly needed. And on top of that, when we have another child, if it were to be a boy, (because Tim is convinced we have a lot of lil girls up in heaven so it is ok to use the last boy name we picked out ) anyways the name is Auron Jeremiah. To see that word hope, next to that name. Words can not explain how God communicated to me. How bad I needed that, and then I kept reading the devotional. How there were things about me needing to trust, to let go, to be still and know God is God and He is in control. All things I knew, but needed to hear. It is nice to hear that I can keep asking, but it is more importnant to be thankful, to say thank you already for the answers we will get. On Gods time.We pray everynight together and for a healthy baby on Gods time, but now I will just start saying thank you for that baby on Gods time.
It is a lot to digest, but I really needed it. People keep saying , at least you have James be thankful for that. Well I'd like to say frankly to that, no shit. I freaking know that. Of course! We are thankful for James. James is a miracle, I was there when he was born, when he came early, when he was in the hospital. I saw what God did. I saw how against odds of losing a twin, of being 6 weeks early, of all the things that could have went wrong, God was like watch what I can do. Watch me give you this miracle. Watch me help him grow. And boy has he grown. I have been there every day. I see God in the beautiful blue eyes of my son every day. We are thankful. For those who do not understand, think of it this way. Can your oldest child replace your youngest. No. That is not possible. Just because we are insanely blessed with our gorgeous boy, does not mean that we are not hurt by the loss of our other children. And just because we are hurt by the loss of our other children, does not mean we do not appreciate and are not thankful for our son. Seriouly.
But at least we have the hope knowing one day we will all be together, one big happy family in heaven, whole and complete and basking in the glory of our lord and saviour.
So there's that. I really got some hope I needed. Really got the attention I needed, and got diection I needed. I am not going to be afraid to try and have another child. God will provide the child when the time is right. God will take care of it. I just have to trust him. Keep talking to him, and remind myself he is perfect does what is right, and keep on hoping and trusting. I know it is easier said than done. But basically, I need to drown myself in focusing on God. I need to focus on loving others, being the best wife mom and person I can be. that will only come through Jesus. phew, I have my work cut out for me this year.
I also need to work out and get back on track. been off track. I need to lose 10 lbs. for real.
And I think I want to start trying to slowly intergrate organic food into our house. Start changing things out, and doing what we can slowly so we don't break the bank. I am excited about that.
On a totally not serious note, I am sad that the patriots are not going to the superbowl, but hoping that Brady can enjoy the pro bowl and some vacation with his family and their new baby.
So, I hope everyone is having a good 3 day weekend and has a great day tomorrow.
Anyways, I was feeling pretty beaten up, pretty beaten down, pretty helpless. Pretty done. I was still praying, still asking, still hurting but still believing.
Today I got a package in the mail. A pay it foward from a friend *whom shall be nameless so that God can bless her socks off* Anyways, in the box was an assortment of things for James and things for me. And something for Tim even though he doesn't realize it. The devotional, which was intended for me will help heal tim and I through a stronger relationship with God. I know it is silly, but I cried my eyes out. I cried my eyes out for so many reasons at one time. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I have been sick with a dang cold for almost two weeks, I've been tired and beaten down physically and emotionally. I have been having a hard time loving myself because I am not working out *shouldnt when you are sick*. I need to lose ten lbs no joke. I needed this pick me up so bad. I have actually been praying for a pick me up. I needed this motivation to move foward. I needed to know that even though God says He always loves us, I really needed Him to show me. I didn't need Him to part the red sea, just show me He heard me. That He hears me and knows my heart. I needed Him to show me there is still hope. That we can move foward, and it is ok for us to keep this dream in our hearts of having another child. I needed it., and I got it. Boy did I cry. It was just a lil book. Just a devotional. But in January it says on the front page for January "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 That gave me hope , hope that I so badly needed. And on top of that, when we have another child, if it were to be a boy, (because Tim is convinced we have a lot of lil girls up in heaven so it is ok to use the last boy name we picked out ) anyways the name is Auron Jeremiah. To see that word hope, next to that name. Words can not explain how God communicated to me. How bad I needed that, and then I kept reading the devotional. How there were things about me needing to trust, to let go, to be still and know God is God and He is in control. All things I knew, but needed to hear. It is nice to hear that I can keep asking, but it is more importnant to be thankful, to say thank you already for the answers we will get. On Gods time.We pray everynight together and for a healthy baby on Gods time, but now I will just start saying thank you for that baby on Gods time.
It is a lot to digest, but I really needed it. People keep saying , at least you have James be thankful for that. Well I'd like to say frankly to that, no shit. I freaking know that. Of course! We are thankful for James. James is a miracle, I was there when he was born, when he came early, when he was in the hospital. I saw what God did. I saw how against odds of losing a twin, of being 6 weeks early, of all the things that could have went wrong, God was like watch what I can do. Watch me give you this miracle. Watch me help him grow. And boy has he grown. I have been there every day. I see God in the beautiful blue eyes of my son every day. We are thankful. For those who do not understand, think of it this way. Can your oldest child replace your youngest. No. That is not possible. Just because we are insanely blessed with our gorgeous boy, does not mean that we are not hurt by the loss of our other children. And just because we are hurt by the loss of our other children, does not mean we do not appreciate and are not thankful for our son. Seriouly.
But at least we have the hope knowing one day we will all be together, one big happy family in heaven, whole and complete and basking in the glory of our lord and saviour.
So there's that. I really got some hope I needed. Really got the attention I needed, and got diection I needed. I am not going to be afraid to try and have another child. God will provide the child when the time is right. God will take care of it. I just have to trust him. Keep talking to him, and remind myself he is perfect does what is right, and keep on hoping and trusting. I know it is easier said than done. But basically, I need to drown myself in focusing on God. I need to focus on loving others, being the best wife mom and person I can be. that will only come through Jesus. phew, I have my work cut out for me this year.
I also need to work out and get back on track. been off track. I need to lose 10 lbs. for real.
And I think I want to start trying to slowly intergrate organic food into our house. Start changing things out, and doing what we can slowly so we don't break the bank. I am excited about that.
On a totally not serious note, I am sad that the patriots are not going to the superbowl, but hoping that Brady can enjoy the pro bowl and some vacation with his family and their new baby.
So, I hope everyone is having a good 3 day weekend and has a great day tomorrow.
Friday, January 18, 2013
upside down
so basically, the dr says I am healthy and she isnt worried. She gave me a long list of tests we can chose to get done, none that she says have to be done, and that more than half the time the tests say there is nothing wrong and she isn't worried because we have James and she knows I can do it. But I keep having miscarriages. Pretty heartbroken.
I asked if we should check my vitamin levels and folic acid, she said no we don't need to. The list she gave me has an insane ammount of clotting tests, some glucose stuff, thyroid stuff, hormone stuff and genetics. She said we can take antibiotics before we try again if we want to. None of this stuff is 100%. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what is wrong. I am going to check my progesterone and my thyroid. That's it. We don't have the money for genetic testing, and most of the time you find nothing with that anyways. And if you do you can't do anything about it.
So basically, I am just hurting. I am upset. I am angry. I can not pray any harder. I can not do anything differently. All I can do is keep taking my vitamins and aspirin. Praying and reading my Bible. Keep praying and keep asking.
Right now, that just feels empty. That feels like nothing. And I still don't understand it.
I don't understand why people in broken marriages, people that don't want to get pregnant, and people who want to be out at parties can get pregnant like it is something in the water. People that get married first, that try to get their life on track, that try to do what God intended for us, are the ones that suffer and have the problems are can't.
SO today I really am helpless. I am feeling hopeless. I go to do those two tests on the 29th, because I have to be on a certain day of my cycle for the progesterone test. If that comes back negative with the thyroid test, we'll wait another cycle and keep trying. It is eating at me emiotionally, but it will if we don't too so I'm kind of lost with all of this.
Trying to stay strong, trying to keep faith about it. I know that God is taking care of it, I just don't know how or why. I know that nothing is impossible with Him. I just don't know what His will is. When I read my Bible and pray, I keep getting versus about how we can ask God for help. We can keep asking. We can keep praying. We can keep hoping , because He hears our hearts and our prayers, and He will respond.
So I guess that's all I can do. Keep asking. Keep praying. Keep trying to keep hoping. Keep saying thank you for James. Keep saying thank you I think I am healthy. Keep saying thank you Tim and James are healthy.
I am just so heart broken and sad. Helpless. I just really need Him to hear me, and help us. I know joy is a decision. I will work on it. Guess that's all I can do anyways. Giving up is never an option.
I asked if we should check my vitamin levels and folic acid, she said no we don't need to. The list she gave me has an insane ammount of clotting tests, some glucose stuff, thyroid stuff, hormone stuff and genetics. She said we can take antibiotics before we try again if we want to. None of this stuff is 100%. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what is wrong. I am going to check my progesterone and my thyroid. That's it. We don't have the money for genetic testing, and most of the time you find nothing with that anyways. And if you do you can't do anything about it.
So basically, I am just hurting. I am upset. I am angry. I can not pray any harder. I can not do anything differently. All I can do is keep taking my vitamins and aspirin. Praying and reading my Bible. Keep praying and keep asking.
Right now, that just feels empty. That feels like nothing. And I still don't understand it.
I don't understand why people in broken marriages, people that don't want to get pregnant, and people who want to be out at parties can get pregnant like it is something in the water. People that get married first, that try to get their life on track, that try to do what God intended for us, are the ones that suffer and have the problems are can't.
SO today I really am helpless. I am feeling hopeless. I go to do those two tests on the 29th, because I have to be on a certain day of my cycle for the progesterone test. If that comes back negative with the thyroid test, we'll wait another cycle and keep trying. It is eating at me emiotionally, but it will if we don't too so I'm kind of lost with all of this.
Trying to stay strong, trying to keep faith about it. I know that God is taking care of it, I just don't know how or why. I know that nothing is impossible with Him. I just don't know what His will is. When I read my Bible and pray, I keep getting versus about how we can ask God for help. We can keep asking. We can keep praying. We can keep hoping , because He hears our hearts and our prayers, and He will respond.
So I guess that's all I can do. Keep asking. Keep praying. Keep trying to keep hoping. Keep saying thank you for James. Keep saying thank you I think I am healthy. Keep saying thank you Tim and James are healthy.
I am just so heart broken and sad. Helpless. I just really need Him to hear me, and help us. I know joy is a decision. I will work on it. Guess that's all I can do anyways. Giving up is never an option.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Ammonium Lactate
So I took James to the dr last week, and we got a prescription lotion called Ammonium Lactate as well as a cream like vasoline that has 2 percent steroid in it kind of like cortizone, and it has helped so so so so so so so so much! My baby boy isn't itching, his skin is not flaking and cracking, and he is feeling great and looking like his normal self :) I am so happy for my baby boy. We will keep doing to eucerin and the cetaphil with the steriod only on his face and really red areas when needed, and ammonium lactate once or twice a day as needed. I am really happy. I don't like seeing him itchy and miserable. So thankful for a friend who recommended seeing the dr to get the lotion.
And on that note I go to the dr on friday. I met a girl at a baby shower this weekend that is having to take blood thinner in the form of shots and she said it isnt that bad. She said she bruises, but if she gets a cut is fine and doesn't have to rush to the er. It makes me feel better about it, because it probably is clotting issues. I mean it could be anything, but I hear it is not notmal to clot really bad during labor like I did with James. Also, the girl I met is having twins. So now, I am wondering since I know that we had twins and twins run on my moms side (which is the genetic side of twins if that were to be the case other than chance) all that hyperovulation and such, any who, makes me wonder if by taking the blood thinner if that dr gives that to me does that mean we will have twins!? Crazy stuff. I am just praying we find out answers. And I feel alot better about it. I have been praying about it and just trying to be as relaxed as I can. Meeting someone taking blood thinner shots really helped a lot. Anyways, I guess what I mean is the dr is saying she for sure is checking for clotting. When I talk to the nurses about blood work and if I am doing more tests they say they are not sure other than checking for clotting. I imagine the dr has a reason for wanting to start there. But I think I am still going to ask her to check my folic acid and b12 absorption. This is all so crazy and confusing. I have looked online at medical journals and have been trying to learn about clotting, hyperovulation, progesterone, and things like that. I have been talking to people trying to get as much information as I can. It is hard knowing what I need to ask when I go to talk to the dr and start tests, because I know that asking the right questions is very important. and so is praying about it! I've been praying a lot. Praying for answers, praying for health, and praying we get pregnant on God's time. It is all so overhwelming, Tim seems to be holding it together a lot better than me. I think I just have anxiety over it all but meh o wells. It's all just being patient and taking it one step at a time from here.
Anyways, I hope everyone is having a good day. It is pretty cold here now finally, it makes me nervous when it doesn't feel like winter during winter lol. Not to say I didn't take advantage of it. Spending the day at the zoo with James was amazing. O and my new glasses finally came in :) I am still trying to get used to them, they fit different than my other ones. Gonna go play with the kiddos, have the girls today, and when they nap finish the dishes and the bathroom :) Having a clean house is impossible with lil ones, but I think I'd go nuts if I didnt at least stay on top of it the best I can. I really am getting ocd about cleaning and picking stuff up. Blah, and we've all had a cold so I havent been out running. Hoping I can tomorrow or at latest thursday. I miss getting up that early and getting my whole day worth of stuff to do. OOO and James slept in his bed last night. Been trying really hard to get him to sleep in his own bed, but he loves sleeping with Tim, and Tim and I don't mind him sleeping with us. But I know he needs to be in his bed, and when we do get pregnant hopefully later this year, he really will need to be in his own bed.
Love you guys,
thanks for letting me get all the boring venting and info out.
Hope to have good news and answers soon :)
And on that note I go to the dr on friday. I met a girl at a baby shower this weekend that is having to take blood thinner in the form of shots and she said it isnt that bad. She said she bruises, but if she gets a cut is fine and doesn't have to rush to the er. It makes me feel better about it, because it probably is clotting issues. I mean it could be anything, but I hear it is not notmal to clot really bad during labor like I did with James. Also, the girl I met is having twins. So now, I am wondering since I know that we had twins and twins run on my moms side (which is the genetic side of twins if that were to be the case other than chance) all that hyperovulation and such, any who, makes me wonder if by taking the blood thinner if that dr gives that to me does that mean we will have twins!? Crazy stuff. I am just praying we find out answers. And I feel alot better about it. I have been praying about it and just trying to be as relaxed as I can. Meeting someone taking blood thinner shots really helped a lot. Anyways, I guess what I mean is the dr is saying she for sure is checking for clotting. When I talk to the nurses about blood work and if I am doing more tests they say they are not sure other than checking for clotting. I imagine the dr has a reason for wanting to start there. But I think I am still going to ask her to check my folic acid and b12 absorption. This is all so crazy and confusing. I have looked online at medical journals and have been trying to learn about clotting, hyperovulation, progesterone, and things like that. I have been talking to people trying to get as much information as I can. It is hard knowing what I need to ask when I go to talk to the dr and start tests, because I know that asking the right questions is very important. and so is praying about it! I've been praying a lot. Praying for answers, praying for health, and praying we get pregnant on God's time. It is all so overhwelming, Tim seems to be holding it together a lot better than me. I think I just have anxiety over it all but meh o wells. It's all just being patient and taking it one step at a time from here.
Anyways, I hope everyone is having a good day. It is pretty cold here now finally, it makes me nervous when it doesn't feel like winter during winter lol. Not to say I didn't take advantage of it. Spending the day at the zoo with James was amazing. O and my new glasses finally came in :) I am still trying to get used to them, they fit different than my other ones. Gonna go play with the kiddos, have the girls today, and when they nap finish the dishes and the bathroom :) Having a clean house is impossible with lil ones, but I think I'd go nuts if I didnt at least stay on top of it the best I can. I really am getting ocd about cleaning and picking stuff up. Blah, and we've all had a cold so I havent been out running. Hoping I can tomorrow or at latest thursday. I miss getting up that early and getting my whole day worth of stuff to do. OOO and James slept in his bed last night. Been trying really hard to get him to sleep in his own bed, but he loves sleeping with Tim, and Tim and I don't mind him sleeping with us. But I know he needs to be in his bed, and when we do get pregnant hopefully later this year, he really will need to be in his own bed.
Love you guys,
thanks for letting me get all the boring venting and info out.
Hope to have good news and answers soon :)
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