With the horrible year we had last year, and especially this last miscarriage (3 in 6 months is more than anyones heart ever needs to go through), I was starting to feel like my prayers and my open heart were not getting to God. Or not being payed attention too. Of course, there are many more important things in the world than for our little family to expand. But lets be real people, how often do we actually think about things outside of our little world. I try to, alot. I do honestly pray for more than myself. I would hope others pray for me and my family, so of course I should do the same. We are a body of believers, and need to be lifting everyone else up. We all need it. We all hurt.
Anyways, I was feeling pretty beaten up, pretty beaten down, pretty helpless. Pretty done. I was still praying, still asking, still hurting but still believing.
Today I got a package in the mail. A pay it foward from a friend *whom shall be nameless so that God can bless her socks off* Anyways, in the box was an assortment of things for James and things for me. And something for Tim even though he doesn't realize it. The devotional, which was intended for me will help heal tim and I through a stronger relationship with God. I know it is silly, but I cried my eyes out. I cried my eyes out for so many reasons at one time. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I have been sick with a dang cold for almost two weeks, I've been tired and beaten down physically and emotionally. I have been having a hard time loving myself because I am not working out *shouldnt when you are sick*. I need to lose ten lbs no joke. I needed this pick me up so bad. I have actually been praying for a pick me up. I needed this motivation to move foward. I needed to know that even though God says He always loves us, I really needed Him to show me. I didn't need Him to part the red sea, just show me He heard me. That He hears me and knows my heart. I needed Him to show me there is still hope. That we can move foward, and it is ok for us to keep this dream in our hearts of having another child. I needed it., and I got it. Boy did I cry. It was just a lil book. Just a devotional. But in January it says on the front page for January "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 That gave me hope , hope that I so badly needed. And on top of that, when we have another child, if it were to be a boy, (because Tim is convinced we have a lot of lil girls up in heaven so it is ok to use the last boy name we picked out ) anyways the name is Auron Jeremiah. To see that word hope, next to that name. Words can not explain how God communicated to me. How bad I needed that, and then I kept reading the devotional. How there were things about me needing to trust, to let go, to be still and know God is God and He is in control. All things I knew, but needed to hear. It is nice to hear that I can keep asking, but it is more importnant to be thankful, to say thank you already for the answers we will get. On Gods time.We pray everynight together and for a healthy baby on Gods time, but now I will just start saying thank you for that baby on Gods time.
It is a lot to digest, but I really needed it. People keep saying , at least you have James be thankful for that. Well I'd like to say frankly to that, no shit. I freaking know that. Of course! We are thankful for James. James is a miracle, I was there when he was born, when he came early, when he was in the hospital. I saw what God did. I saw how against odds of losing a twin, of being 6 weeks early, of all the things that could have went wrong, God was like watch what I can do. Watch me give you this miracle. Watch me help him grow. And boy has he grown. I have been there every day. I see God in the beautiful blue eyes of my son every day. We are thankful. For those who do not understand, think of it this way. Can your oldest child replace your youngest. No. That is not possible. Just because we are insanely blessed with our gorgeous boy, does not mean that we are not hurt by the loss of our other children. And just because we are hurt by the loss of our other children, does not mean we do not appreciate and are not thankful for our son. Seriouly.
But at least we have the hope knowing one day we will all be together, one big happy family in heaven, whole and complete and basking in the glory of our lord and saviour.
So there's that. I really got some hope I needed. Really got the attention I needed, and got diection I needed. I am not going to be afraid to try and have another child. God will provide the child when the time is right. God will take care of it. I just have to trust him. Keep talking to him, and remind myself he is perfect does what is right, and keep on hoping and trusting. I know it is easier said than done. But basically, I need to drown myself in focusing on God. I need to focus on loving others, being the best wife mom and person I can be. that will only come through Jesus. phew, I have my work cut out for me this year.
I also need to work out and get back on track. been off track. I need to lose 10 lbs. for real.
And I think I want to start trying to slowly intergrate organic food into our house. Start changing things out, and doing what we can slowly so we don't break the bank. I am excited about that.
On a totally not serious note, I am sad that the patriots are not going to the superbowl, but hoping that Brady can enjoy the pro bowl and some vacation with his family and their new baby.
So, I hope everyone is having a good 3 day weekend and has a great day tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment