Ponderings

So there is that Daniel fast going on today. And I wish everyone the best who is participating. I was going to give up chocolate and soda, but it is not hard for me to give that up so I don't feel like I would be sacraficing much. A lot of people at my church are going to go days with just water and a very select amont of food for 21 days. I don't feel comfortable health wise to do it. I have tests coming up, a bunch of blood tests that we need to get an answer from. And, I would still have to make meals for Tim and James, as well as maintain enough energy to take care of James. I hope that sometime in the future, I can figure out a healthy way to do it, but I do not understand it enough or know how to do it for this year. On the other hand of it, I don't even feel like giving up food is the sacrafice I need to be making. I need to be giving up more time.
I need to make sure I am reading my Bible once a day, and then I want to up my time from there. I know I am the kind of person who prays out loud when I do stuff, and I pray constantly. I would like to make sure I am getting down on my knees and slowing down and praying at least twice a day. I have also decided, that when I am running (which I didn't do this morning and will do tomorrow before yoga, James didnt go to bed till 2 because of a late nap so he gets no nap today so we can get back on sched, i love the sched i have set up) anyways, when I am running, I use Pandora which is amazing, and I will make sure I am only listening to Christian music when running. I do not by any means feel like I have a bad relationship with Jesus, but I want to draw closer to Him. If i draw closer to Him, stay more focused, everything else will fall in the right place. If I draw closer to Him, maybe He will mend my heart ache of losing babies. I don't care what people say or think, it doesn't matter how far along you make it in a pregnancy, that baby is a baby no matter what week you lose them. You already have dreams and hopes and ideas for them. When they slip away, it leaves a hole. That hole hurts.
 Of course I have James who helps me so much, whom I love so much, and who makes my whole life worth living, who makes me and tim so happy, and who really has showed us what a miracle he is which makes us even more thankful :) even more so when we sleep lol On a side note, I started getting those Belvita breakfast cracker things, and he really loves them, and they are tasty if anyone was wondering. O yeah anywho, I may not be fasting, but that is not what Tim and I need to be working on. We both need to work on drawing closer to God with our time. Yeah I know you can through fasting, and we have before, but that is not where we are at right now with our journey of drawing closer. Besides if we did fast, we'd only be fasting because someone told us to, and that is never the right reason to do it. 
So, send prayers our way that I can stay on this running sched, which will help with the potty training sched, hopefully eventually get James sleeping in his own bed for bed time not just naps, and more important, being more focused on and getting closer to God. :) Good things will come out of this year. God will hear our prayers and search our hearts. He always does what is best, and we will be happy with whatever his will is. I watched the passion last night. Something I never noticed in a way is that Jesus asked if there were other ways, if there was something else that could be done, someone else, if it could be God's will, but that Jesus would do whatever the Father's will was. "Your will not mine" but Jesus still asked. That's something for me to think on.