Unsure

Today, everything that was to work out, did not, and everything went wrong. But, trying to keep my hair in and be thankful that God is here to help me through it all.
Wasn't able to fix the faucet, but Jamie and I sure did try! Didn't get all of my errends ran, but I will do more tomorrow and am thankful I have a car and am able to do it. (still trying to stay positive) I know it could have been a way worse day, but I just felt a bit frazzled from the get go today.
But that is ok. God made me human, and that is what I am. I love Him through it, and He gets me through it.
Anyways, had a dr apt. Didn't get to take a proper culture so I am going back on the 29th for a culture, and the blood work for progesterone and thyroid.
So here's where I am at. I have no problem getting pregnant (so far Thank you Jesus) but it is keeping a viable pregnancy. I hate that word or the combination of. A baby is a baby is a baby doesn't matter if it is for a minute or 6 weeks or 7 months. Anyways, so here's the thing. I wont be going on birth control, I don't see the point of it especially with us wanting the blessing of a baby. I don't actually ever see myself going on birth control again. I do not agree with it personally for me, because it did not agree too long with my body. It was ok the first id say 3 years I was on it from 17- to almost 20. Then I ended up having problems, it was not helping with cramps, my periods weren't staying regular and I was in general feeling sick a lot. So i switched brands from loestrin 24 to junelle. I tried that for a while, it seemed to help. I took it until the spring after we got married. I started feeling way more sick and again irregular and cramping way way way too bad. I officially stopped buying them and even trying to take one here and there in june 2009 (and I actually took them from august after james till april then had to stop again they werent helping and i was so tired of feeling sick). I was way too done, and Tim and I were on the same page. Why put hormones in your body to stop your body from doing what it was supposed to, I was past the point of horrible break outs and since it was not helping with cramps which is why I started in the first place, why at all. I sometimes wonder if the birth control is why we are having problems now, if my body has a hard time sorting out the hormones jobs and levels. Not that it does this to everyone, but it just didnt seem to agree with me. Then there is the whole, well uhm, not sure how to word with out tmi. I have a muscle condition in my lady parts which makes other types of birth controls not an option. too painful. not like bite it and get over it painful, but cry and be in pain for days. So.
This leaves me in an unsure area. If we need to wait so long to have another baby, how long and how. And then after we have another baby God willing, what do we do then. Should I tie my tubes? Am I too young to make a decision like that, or considering the complications thus far, would it spare us pain and suffering? Would we be going against Gods will. Would it be ok? What if 7 years from now we wanted to try again. These are heavy questions that I really don't have the answer to and when Tim and I talk about it, we don't really come up with much. We both agree God will take care of it and help us make the right decisions of when and what to do, but it isn't like He just mails us an outline. How do we know we will do this right and not mess up. So complicated, so serious.
How do you know know it is Gods will, and you are doing it? How do you know know it is Gods timing. And how on earth, would He tell us?
So this is where I am at. Pretty unsure and determined. Determined to have a better realtionship with God. Tim and I are really trying to keep God in the middle of it all. Determined to be a better spouses, both of us just want to be the best us for us. Determined to be better parents, after all our son deserves better than we will ever be able to give him. He really is amazing. Determined to have another child, for all of us, because James needs a sibling, we want a larger family, we always wanted a big family, always. 3 months into dating Tim and I had baby names picked out and how many kids we wanted to have. 3 months into dating, I knew he was it. I knew there was nothing or no one out there that I wanted more. I was only wrong on one occassion, now  there is no one out there more important that our son.
This is so hard and so complicated. I feel so young and old at the same time. How do we deal with this and know we are making the right decisions. Is it weird if I am not stressed about it. Just way past ready to get the next baby here and healthy. Way past ready to watch James hold his sibling and say my baby. Not ready to let my dream of more than one child here with us die. I have been praying that God would give us the desires of our hearts, and that he would direct our wants and thoughts. This whole wanting another baby, another person, another Tim and Rachel Lawhon, not going away not at all.
I know these blogs are really centered around another baby and what we are going through with all of this. But There is so much more to our thoughts and lives. I just find when I sit down and think when my head can be empty, this is what I think about. This is what my heart cries out for. God, my heart cries out for a bigger family. Another healthy pregnancy, on your time not ours. Just tell me when please. That's where my head goes, right to my heart and that's what is in there rolling around.
But my goodness lately, I find myself praying all day and a lot. Not just for a baby, that comes up alot. But thanking God for a healthy James, and healthy Tim, and for a healthier me. Asking for help others when they need it, thanking Him for whatever the day brings. I pray a lot about Tim and James. I pray a lot about God making me a better me. There's always room for improvement. I can always find something about me to do better stronger or softer more loving or more stern. Something. And thanking God for helping me not to be so stressed. 
Trust. I am learning to trust God and be at peace in a whole new way.