Temper Temper

I know it is normal to hit temper tantrums during and around two, i've heard it lasts well past two. Especially with boys. I am married, so of course I know this. Men don't get rid of tempers, they have them forever. Men don't stop throwing tempers tantrums, they just not as frequent as with a toddler.
So here I am thinking about this. We already see Tims temper in James. Tim since I have met him, has dealt so well with his temper and has really started getting things under control. Of course no one is perfect and he has his moments, but he has in the last 6 years certainly changed and matured in this area.
It bothers me though, as a mom and a wife, how can I help? I know James will learn from example and that is why it is so so SO important for Tim to show him how to deal with anger in a healthy way.
But then we are at this area of two where when James is made, you tell him no, and he doesn't like that or understand why, he hits. He throws. He hits us with his hands, or throws something at us.
I have done some reading on it and online I get anything from adhd and autistic to he doe not know how to express his feelings and wants mom and dads help that is why he hits mom and dad.
Not sure what to do, spanking does nothing. Smack on the hand nothing. Smack on the face only if he hits on the face, nothing. He is tough. Very tough. Not that we beat him, and I am not going to lie, I cry a lot after I spank him. If i have spanked him during the day I cry at nightwhen we are in bed. It really hurts me to spank him. But I don't want a brat either. Telling a lil boy and sitting him in time out does nothing, nothing at all.
So I suppose I am going to do what I should have been doing a while a ago, I'll pray about it. Every day. I will pray for Tim to lead by example, for God to give him strength and wisdom. I will pray for James, that he will see how and learn how to deal with his frustration on a healthy way. I am really going to have to get on this.
And something I have been seeing here and there is, when they start hitting, don't spank them. Sit them next to you tell them that you hurt them get upset and sad, and then talk to them and tell them it is ok to be angry and upset but not to hurt. I suppose I will try that.
I am sure everyone goes through rough times here and there parenting, and everyone has to figure out different things that work for them and their family. I hope we figure this out soon for James. I want to do what is best for him, I want to be the best mom I can possibly be, he deserves that.
I am raising a man, a person, who at the moment is my baby, but he will grow to be a man. I want to be proud of him, I want him to be better than me or Tim or anyone we know. I want to see God in him, and to see strength and kindness in him. And that will all fall on me and Tim. We have to raise him to be the person we know he can be and who God made him to be. That's a lot of pressure.

Also, I have decided on Easter, we will do what we did today. I have put a lot of thought into it. We will a) not make easter similar to christmas. You don't need clothes and an insane amount of toys with your candy. You don't need a lot of candy. Chocolate bunny and two or three other things. Why? Because we celebrate resurrection day not easter. Ya we call it easter, but we don't celebrate the Easter that a good portion of the world does, we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus with others that believe as us. Easter bunny and eggs have nothing to do with that. And while I don't want him made fun of at school for not getting a lot, I don't want easter to be about what he gets. Which brings me to our second agreement on the matter, baskets and eggs will be something you get after church. Jesus comes first. And while I know we pray and read our Bibles at home, and on a daily basis try to show James Jesus needs to be consistantly a part of your life and first. I mean we aren't perfect in this, but again we have to show him. Anyways, my point was, we want him to understand why we celebrate on that day, and want that to be what we do first. We are also going to do this on Christmas. We will read the Christmas story out of the Bible in the morning when we all wake up, and then we will pray as a family and tell Jesus happy birthday (and point out it is really in July lol) anyways then we will do presents.
Something I have put a lot of thought into. Something that has really weighed on my heart. Something that bothers me. The world is backwards when it comes to important things. It will fall on us to instill in James the important things in life. We will have to raise him to make it in this worl. We will have to pray over him every day, and do our best to show him how to be a good person so that when he gets out in the world, he is not changed by it, but changes it.

Today i am thankful for my Jesus. Who is alive, and is coming back for me. Something worth living for, I'd love to see the day when Jesus comes back. I'd love to be standing with Tim James and baby (that is a girl or a boy but we aren't sure which yet lol) and see Jesus come back. What a glorious fearful and wonderful thing that will be. I look foward to it.

Progesterone working Prayers working

I had an ultrasound today. The baby looked strong and healthy! Thank Jesus. The hemorrhage is still there, but is smaller. I have to wait on the dr to look over the pictures and give us measurments on shrinkage ect. The baby's heart beat was 162 and James was 164. Most people say a high heartbeat means girl, but in my case it means boy, if you can even go by that and I don't think that you can. lol.

Anyways due date is nov 20th. We are and, I swear I will get a pedicure if I make it this long, hoping for the 19th. Jared's birthday was on the 19th. It would be very special to us. Of course, november in general would be nice. This also means of course that wherever we are going for thanksgiving you can count us out for a)traveling more than 45 mins from home, and b) me cooking anything besides possibly a chocolate pie. And that is iffy, I might wait till christmas. I think we were expected to go out to st joe for thanksgiving by I am in no way at all taking that car ride. No way! I can't imagine doing that with a toddler and a baby while I am still recovering. Maybe they will be awesome and come out here? If not! kfc for thanksgiving it might be lol.

ANyways, today I also have to say was a bitter sweet day. I had an important ultrasound, I was very excited. The ultrasound tech well frankly was not nice. I am sad because I have never had a bad experience at my obgyn. I understand everyone has bad days, and I honestly think she was tired and ready to go home. I felt rushed, and like I didn't get the questions I had answered. I felt like she just didn't care. I was also very mad at her. I brought James obviously he is with me all the time and in the middle of the day it's not like tim could watch him. She told me to make sure for my next ultrasound I had a sitter because he was a distraction. LADY what the F you work at the baby drs! O man, it took everything I had in me not to blow up on this lady. For real. I am excited about the next ultrasound though and think it is actually my dr not a tech. It isn't until June 20th so I in no way want it to rush up on me. Because James will be 2 at that point. I want to cherish every day I have with him just me and him and when tim is home all of us. Beautiful family time together, memories I will have forever, and time well invested in bringing up an stable independant lil guy. Who is amazing. His own shy lil person :)

O and just cus it was amazing I have to say. Yesterday I was super sick with morning sickness but for most of the day, and James took care of me. Brought me cars and water, and fed me water with a straw out of my cup. What a big heart my lil man has. Compassionate and beautiful is his soul.

O and he got a hair cut today and didn't cry! I was so so so proud of him :) He is getting so big.

Today I am thankful that God is faithful. Taking care of us and providing for us, and taking care of the baby in my womb answering our hearts deepest needs. I have something to live for every day, with such a wonderful son and husband. And now the lil heartbeat that lives in me for the next few months :)

Hope you all are having a good day, and for the ladies out there taking progesterone it helps! If you have low progesterone and multiple mc it does help. It is helping me I haven't made it this far in a pregnancy since my son :) Hang in there.

O.K

 So, I really really need to jump on the budget and plan for a month meal plan deal. I need to come up with the reciepes to get us through the month content, and healthy. I need well rounded meals for James as well as for the growing baby in my belly. I need to feed technically four people on as lil momey as possible but healthy. I also need to seriously get a printer I do not have one, but I really need to do these meal plans. Tim will totally be on board with me, as he is with me doing arbonne and anything else I want to do. He is amazing. Truly.

Anyways any advice and help would be great, please comment. And when I get it together and get it working, I'll tell you how and so on. :) Hoping I can do this well, being as I am a stay at home mom I really feel like I should. Also, I would love to help someone else.

It has arrived

So, I finally started getting some real inerrupting my day morning sickness! This of course is uncomfortable, but welcomed. It is my body telling me the baby is healthy, and I am fine with that! It totally knocked me on my butt this morning, so I'll be sleeping with a water bottle and crackers next to me to be better prepared and hopefully not as sick sick tomorrow. I had a horrible head ache light and sound were making me dizzy! and a super upset tummy left me in the restroom for a while. But again, uncomfortable, but welcomed. I am thankful. I am so thankful God is blessing us with another healthy child.

I got blood results back
last wednesday was 4246 hcg and friday was 5964. Not doubling, but high and going up. At a point in the pregnancy usually around when you can see a heartbeat, your hcg doesnt double anymore and blood draws for hcg don't really go as far as an ultrasound. So I was really happy with these numbers! And I really felt like Jesus was winking at me. I know it is silly, but 46 and 64 are my favorite numbers aside from 4. So the fact that and serisouly the odds are nuts, that I got both of those numbers in my blood results was awesome. It was like, to me, and really thats what matters, that Jesus was like hey you like these numbers I am gonna throw them in there just to see you smile and make you feel better. For real :)

O and Tim and I have been watching the Bible on the history channel. Not on sundays, too many commercials so we watch it on mondays after it has been recorded. Jesus was in this one, and I came to a couple conclusions. My hormones make me cry about everything lol. But on a serious note, I cried and teared up every time Jesus talked. I just got overwhelmed and excited that one day these wont be stories others tell us, but one day Jesus can tell me about it. One day I'll actually hear his voice, and that thought alone brings me to my knees. Also, watching it and seeing Jesus go through so much, did bring Tim and I to our knees with tears and prayers, and it was really nice. Sweet. I love my Jesus.

And something totally different. I never thought of it this way. I always thought the people were just well dumb for not accepting Jesus for who He is, but after seeing it in the light of they  needed a king right then like David. They need someone to free them from the Romans, they needed liberated, and Jesus was talking about heaven and peace, not earth and fighting, that is why many were probably angry with him. I never thought of it that way. and I was dissappointed in myself for thinking so little of those who did not agree with Jesus being peaceful. I can't imagine what years of persecution do to a people.

Anyways,
Today I am thankful that even though I am not feeling well, I am hopeful that things are going well with this pregnancy, with this person I am growing :) I am also excited to keep living my life to be a better me for my son for my husband for this child, and for those around me :) I am excited to see where we are ten years from now, seeing how far Tim and I have come in 6 years :)

The Word of Life

I have been thinking. Going through all of this, these struggles to have another child. The trust I am learning to replace the fear. Understanding that fear and being afraid are two different things. I can rebuke fear the spirit, and tell Jesus I trust you but I am still scared, please give me peace.

All of this going through my head, and I am realizing that, David really is my favorite person from the Bible aside from Jesus. His heart, he wore on his sleeve. Like me. He was open and honest, and was who he was to the core weakness and all. From his openess I feel like he obtained a special bond with God, not just seeking his face but his heart.

I like to write, I love love love to write poems and songs ect. And I never realized until now, that most of the time I write them are when I am in so much anguish within my heart, or over joyed within my hear. Psalms.

I think I write Psalms. Of course not Psalms to add to the Bible, there won't be adding the Bible. But I was thinking, since Jesus is alive, and He speaks and sings over us, and since His words are alive and always relevant, then it is possible to write Psalms. I guess I am saying we can write the songs the words the feelings in our hearts to God, as a personal Psalm. Our words, and his words in our spirits. Maybe David was really on to something. It isn't about them being published, read, printed, copied, bought and sold, but about the heart of the songs. The heart of you that is reaching out to the heart of God.

I can write as many Psalms as I possibly can to God, and I really like that. Not in a disrespectful way to the Bible and the many Psalms of King David and others. but just like, the word is still alive, Jesus is alive, and we His people are alive and so why would the words of our hearts stop? They wouldn't. Just like preachers keep preaching, singers keep singing to God, then so should hearts still pour out ot God in psalms.

That's kind of neat. It may not mean anything to anyone else, but I am glad God pointed this out to me.

Live Long and Prosper ;p

So after pouring my heart out all day and night yesterday. I feel better. I know that God is in control, and I have done all I can. I will keep praying and doing my best to be calm about it. After all the baby is growing and healthy, its just the damn hemorrhage, but God knows that.

I will keep praying morning night and day, and will be asking for peace with healing. I have announced on fb the situation and am hoping that some of my friends and prayer warriors will join me. I know that people don't like to air personal things on fb, but it can be used as a powerful tool for a prayer tree. Something I sure satan doesn't like, which just makes it all the more awesome.

So I will do a blood draw tomorrow, results on monday which I am expecting to be good :) And then on thursday the ultrasound to see the heart beat :) and then by God's mercy hope to see that hemorrhage smaller or gone completely. I'm rooting for gone completely, not just because I want it gone, but also because these things literally take weeks to shrink, and I just want to show that God rules over science and modern medicine. That'd be sweet. All to God's glory.

Today I am thankful for the many prayers coming our way. They are helping me stay strong and as calm as possible. I have something worth  living for, that's for sure from tim to james to this growing child inside me. Hope.

Sing Over Me

Father in Heaven,
Hear my plee,
Search my heart

So You can see,
That first I would like
Your Will be done

Over all,
my feelings,
my heart,
my love

And if it be
Possible
Lord

Search my heart
My mind
My sould

I was made to be
a mom
a wife

I crave to be
the woman
You designed

I beg you father
with tear filled eyes

Not again
No
Please
Let this one be

If I may
If it is ok
I would ask,
for Your promise
to provide

Provide what is best
Provide what we ask
Seek my heart
and provide my desire

To mother one more,
Here,
Until I am with you

To mother one more
for my son,
for my husband

There is no doubt
my son is a miracle
Can't we prove the world wrong
and show them two

Two wonderful people
created by your hand
That started as a dream
in my heart
in his head

Constantly thinking
Him and I
of being parents
a family

After all Father,
that is what matters in life
Family
Love
Life

I would ask You
Dear God

Beg you

I am

all day I am praying
trusting
I dare say

Learning that trust
does not mean
not afraid

Father dont leave me
with another empty heart

I am trusting you
To hold us together
Trusting You
to show us you power
Loving you,
Knowing You love us back

Crying to you
Knowing you'll comfort back

Father I pray,
That you will heal my womb
For the child within
grows healthy and strong

To lose another
I can not fathom

This is my heart God
Please hear me

You know I trust you
You know I am hoping
My faith is not diminished
My faith is not squandering

But I am weak,
and this cuts deep
I need your peace

To show me,
That it will be ok.

Because the life you started
in me
is not over
the life you started in me
is Yours
 
Your will be done
O my Father in Heaven
In anguish and uncertainty
I look to you
My maker

My Father in Heaven
No matter what
You always do what is best

I will accept this

Give me peace
O God in heaven
Send down your presence
Your Power
Your Glory

For all life is from you
So pray I do
That you sing life over me
The child,
and my family

Subchorionic Hemorrhage

So I went to get an ultrasound this morning. Had a lil bit of spotting this morning, which of course at this point any spotting is too much given my history. There was a sac, I am 5 weeks. No heart beat yet, but we were pretty sure we saw the baby. I still have an ultrasound next thursday. Next to the baby was a subchorionic hemorrhage. Basically if I am understanding right, it is a sac of blood from where the baby implanted. It does put me at a higher risk for miscarriage. But it is common, and should be absorbed into my body within a couple weeks.

Next thursday I should be able to see the baby and the heart beat for sure. They had me do an hcg draw today, and I will go back for another one on friday. So I will know monday for sure if my numbers are going up.

So basically there is a healthy baby. However there is this hemorhhage (sac) that is between the baby and me that needs to be asborbed. Apparently common, and only two outcomes. The hemorhhage goes away, or it detaches the baby from the uterus. So obvioulsy we are praying for and believing that this healthy lil baby will continue to grow strong, and God will take the hemorrhage away. I know that it is not medically possible for it to be completely gone by next thursday so I am at the least expecting it to shrink and at most trusting in God's power and wonder to speak life over me and this baby and tell the hemorrhage to leave. So I guess we will know for sure on next thursday.


Praying, like crazy. Trying not to stress because I know that makes it worse. Trusting God to keep his promise, of knowing our hearts, and doing what is best for us. It is hard, but I know God is in control.

Please keep praying for us, and if anyone has any experience with this please share. Thank you.

O so today, of course my life is worth living for my son and husband, and for this baby in me fighting to live. And I am thankful for good drs and being able to get right in today when I was freaking out.

So far So good

Got my results this morning from the HCG draw. Was like 200 something on thursday, and 700 something on saturday. So more than doubling! and that is good :) Now I am just waiting to safely and patiently get to the ultrasound on the 28th. By then , assuming all goes well (in Jesus name!), we will be able to see a heart beat, and get an idea of where the placenta is attached high or low, James was low, it was nerve wracking, and we should be able to get a solid due date not just nov. I am holding out for Nov 19.
Jared, one of Tim's best friends, who was family to me, passed away in feb 2012. His birthday was nov 19. So it would really mean a lot to us.
Anyways, have a meeting about arbonne this wednesday.Hoping that if Tim seems ok with it, agrees that it is solid, that I can start selling it.
 Saturday is our we've been going out since march 23rd 2007 anniversary lol. I am excited it's been 6 years. I have no idea what we are doing. Hillary and Zach are gonna watch James, so we could go see a movie, or just stay home and relax and eat ice cream in bed, lol who knows!

So, today! I am thankful for the many years my husband and I have been able to grow. He is my best friend, and I do not think I could tell him enough how much I love and respect everything he has done for us. Today, lif is worth living for my family. For our future. For the many more years together I have with Tim and James and our lil bean. I am so thankful for them. So excited. Sometimes I do just wake up excited that God blessed me with such a wonderful best friend and such a fantastic lil boy, such a solid family :) That is worth more than all the money in the world. <3

The waiting game

So I went and got blood drawn today. Hurt. I am really bad about being super tense and then it hurting worse. lol. Anways now I wait until monday to see what the dr says. We did a blood draw thurday and one on saturday (today) to see collectively that my HCG is going up in a healthy manner.

So now it is just waiting and waiting. I'll feel better when I get a phone call saying that the blood work looks fine (but lets be honest, I'll be calling at 830 in the morning leaving a msg like I always do lol.)

Then the ultrasound on the 28th!

Praying praying praying believing and recieving!! We want this baby so badly. James needs someone to play with!

And I had an arbonne party last night. It was really fun. Praying about that too, but I think it is something I can do to help tim out with finances, so I will be hopefully selling it soon too.

anywho! hope everyone has a great weekend! I think I am going to go take a nap. so tired!! lol

Prayer requests.

Ok Thursday update!!

I went to the dr today. According to them I am 4 weeks and 2 days. My ultrasound is going to be on thursday march 28th. I had to get blood work, and then I go saturday to the hospital to do the blood work. They checked my progesterone levels last week and it looked great, they are going to check my hcg levels from the two blood draws this week. Wont get results until monday.
So here's one of my two prayer requests. Please pray God willing that the progesterone is helping and that we will have a healthy baby come nov 18th.
So that's big news :)
My other prayer request unspoken but very important. I'm sure I'll write about it later when God has helped us through.
Anywho, today I am thankful for good doctors. I thought that medical attention was pretty much the same in all 50 states and I recently learned that it is not, and that illinois takes pretty good care of you. My life is always worth living for my husband and my son, and now our baby. This is my fifth time being pregnant! and we are thankful.

I know it's a short one today but it is a lot to digest lol. I hope you all have a great day!!!

lil blood work

I got some blood work on friday done. We were checking my progesterone levels. Dr said they are really good came back as 39. I go to the dr on thursday, so I'll have more to tell about then. :)

I am excited about this week, I have a nice blessed week layed out for me. I got good blood results today. Tomorrow I get to start teaching an art class once a week for a friend of mines children who are home schooled. I have class on wednesday night at church with the lil ones. Wednesday we are going to the zoo, me James Amanda Sami maybe brittany and some others. Thursday drs and friday spa night at my house!

So I am really excited about this week :)  I also had a really good time at church yesterday morning and evening. And God even told someone to tell me it was all going to be ok. I am so thankful for that! I can't wait to get back to church to talk to that person about it, because I just hugged them and left. I cried the whole way  home in the carr lol. It was really nice and what I needed.

Anyways short blog.

I am thankful today for the rain. We need it, and I am glad we are getting it!!What I love about today is, I am at home with James and I have the day to spend with him, and look foward to my evenings with Tim. It doesn't sound like a lot, but it really gives me something to live for. Something special, a family. That is what I love! I have something worth living for every day.

I hope you all have a great day! I'll post again on wednesday, and hopefully have some nice pics from the zoo!!!

Overflowing

It has been a minute since I blogged! Sorry, I'll try to catch up as simply as I can lol.
So I got a new lotion for James. The amonium lactate works well for James, however it says to avoid sunlight. Or long periods of sunlight. With spring right around the corner, hopefully, that is not an option at all! I plan on doing a lot of gardening and hoping to start some container gardening with wooden pallets, which puts us outside a lot. So! I am trying the neopsporin lotion for eczema. So far, his skin is a lot softer, and seems to be retaining moisture better. Which if I am to understand, is what eczema is, the skins inablilty to retain a healthy amount of moisture. I am glad that so far this seems to be working for him. I am excited. I want him to feel well.
Also, I had to go get blood drawn yesterday to check my levels. I have to call in monday to see what they say, and I have a drs appointment on thursday. I'll write more about that later. I would very much appriciate any prayers :)
I got some canvas yesterday! Buy one get one pack of two at Michaels which is an amazing deal! So I am in the process of painting some pictures for my living room. Omg I love it, and James is so ingtrigued by painting.
O, and I am in the process of revamping my blog. I changed the header, and am working on the pages part of it. I also, changed the title. Love: Life Worth Living.
I wanted to do that mostly for myself. I want to have that there to remind me that every time I blog, and every day in general, I have something worth living for, and so do you! I want to start putting at the end of each blog unless is is a poem, what I am thankful for today, and something that I love, and something worth living for. I am sure it sounds kind of silly, but I want to be more thankful . I don't think that I am not a thankful person, but it reallly isn't a bad thiing to point stuff out to myself right?
Also I started watching the world of jenks today on mtv. It is really an inspiring show. I think I am going to like it alot. So much better than all the other junk on there, I stopped watching jersey shore and jwow n snooki. I stopped watching teen mom all together. I realized these shows just frustrate me. Ya they are those shows that are a train wreck and you cant turn away, but also, it is what is wrong with t his country. You have people making shows and making a lot of money to do stupid things and look like fools. Then you have people who work two jobs to feed their family, who are far more inteligent and loving than the people making oodles of money doing shots and having kids they cant provide for. Frustrating. So basically, I've cut down my tv a lot. Not a bad thing. And I really don't feel like I watched tv that much anyways.So I am pretty much down to watching Big Bang Theory, Supernatural, Football, and cartoons lol. I watch more cartoons than anything else. We watched the Bible on the history channel, I think it is only five episodes long though, and the Viking show is kinda neat, but I am not sure if I want to stick with it. Lol! anyways!
So today I am thankful for a lot, but am really thankful James let me sleep in today (Im sure tonight when he wont go to bed itll be a dif story lol) I am also thankful for our home! I don't feel like cleaning at all today. But I am so thankful for all the laundry the dishes and the home that we have.
Something that I love about saturdays, and today in particular is, I get some me time in the morning, and then I get to spend the day with tim and James :) and Something worth living for, well my son. It is amazing today I was thinking how muc hhe really depends on me, but he has no idea how much I depend on him. I love him so much. And o ya I am really thankful that I can pray as much as I want all day whenever I feel like it. That's nice. I can constantly talk to Jesus, and work on my trusting Him.
Hope everyone has a good weekend, and I hope things are going well.
And for anyone reading the blog for progesterone ect. stay tuned, I'll have a lot about that on monday and thursday. Hopefully all good.